Taking the dogs to the vet is so amusing
They leap excitedly out of the car, sniffing and running in circles
Until I open the office door...
those paws hit the brakes so fast that all three of us wedge in the frame
and I have to push them in with my legs as I try to close the door behind us
This is where I am right now
I was excitedly running around
(did I mention how much I LOVE the Habitat for Humanity!)
keeping busy...little by little pushing a bit further each time
until I did something stupid again and set myself back a week
but come mid July I felt my brain hit the brakes and become wedged
Turns out my brain is freaking out
Last July is when we discovered the aneurysm
I wasn't scared then...just a teeny bit here or there
But now I KNOW what it's like and how much worse it can be
And apparently there are brain cells in there that remember something
And they're horrified of going any further into August and September
because I don't remember August and September
those months have been erased from my memory bank
the concept of time is so weird...it feels like a few months ago
So I'm trying to shove my brain forward
because really...it can't stay wedged where it's at
Staying where it is? How can it when you still manage to use it like a precision piece of equipment when you share your thoughts. Perhaps it is fear or uncertainty which is creating this false feeling?
ReplyDeleteBig :) to you.
Fear. Seems my brave cells were removed. Ha! I know I'll get through this. I'm just traveling through the Dark Woods of my journey right now. Maybe if I run I'll get through them faster before the Monster gets me. Thanks for your words John.
DeleteI keep picturing the Three Stooges wedged in a doorway, making those funny noises they always did until Moe slapped some sense into the other two.
ReplyDeleteThis still makes me laugh. As all three shove equally and forcibly...and getting nowhere. WooWooWoo! I need Moe to slap some sense...Thanks for the laugh.
DeleteYour body and mind are remembering trauma, Lovely One. That is so normal and such a big part of the healing. It is part of your cells right now, the fear and wanting to do everything you can to avoid that pain again.
ReplyDeleteBut remember, you made it through. You have come to the other side. You lived an entire year since they found the aneurysm. You have found moments of joy and love and life living since then. And you will find many more. You are alive. Today !
Be gentle with yourself. This is a hard time. But you are so strong. You will become unstuck. You will go on to live and love and be again.
Sending lots of love and healing thoughts !
You always make me feel as if I've just received a huge warm hug. I'm stuck right now in the dark place but I can already start to see glimmers of light up ahead. Thank you so much for the beauty in words.
DeleteNo need to push. Simply breathe and allow and you'll get there.
ReplyDelete<3
How about head butting? ;)
Delete