On my knees...

So far in my X number of years

(still can't remember how old I am w/out calculator-how convenient)

I have known some great men whom I admire greatly

I don't place them on a pedestal, but I do strive to have similar qualities

The truth is, I don't really like myself

I've struggled with this most of my life but

in the past several years I've learned to put up with self enough to get by

The problem is that now in Life P.A. (post aneurysm) I have lost those brain cells

I have regressed to the time when I couldn't quite look myself in the eye

At first I cringed (well I still do) but I've decided it could be worse

I could be blind, or forgotten who my family was, or have seizures

or have a million other afflictions my P.A. peers have

I've decided that I was meant to lose most of those brain cells for a reason

It was a rocky foundation

I shouldn't just put up with myself 

I should love and respect myself as the miracle of spirit in physical form

There's a saying that you can't love someone unless you love yourself

I used to think that was a bunch of malarkey since I love my family

just not self

But I realized that when I don't love myself

I can easily project my self thoughts and feelings onto another person

If I think I'm a worthless idiot I'll assume someone else thinks so too

My actions and reactions will now be based on that premise

 I never understood this until now

When I was weak I would look towards those great men

and tell myself 'Look, they wouldn't behave as such, toughen up girl!'

and I would quit the self pity or nonsense and move on

Over time I was able to see each of these great men

hit a point where they buckled and fell to their knees

over something that seemed insignificant to me

I would watch them and wonder

'why are these great men collapsing under something so trivial?'

Toughen up!

I understand now that we all have our own battlegrounds

we will go through happy times

and lots of bad times that shake us to our very core

There will be many times I just want to lie down and give up

But I have to toughen up, dig down deep, and keep getting up

If you can get through it, the bad times have a tendency to cleanse away

and in its place comes new growth and understanding

So although I still don't like self much
I no longer hate self

Through battle scars I am starting to see that I am strong

I've been knocked down many times but I still keep getting up

I'm not quite there but I'm atleast back on my knees

It's a start...