The Bad

These thoughts were prompted by news of Robin Williams’ death by suspected suicide yesterday. I normally don’t follow what goes on with the Hollywood group but this one saddened me. Someone who by all accounts brought so much into the world, who made an impact, but whose personal demons perhaps convinced him otherwise.

I’ve read amongst the aneurysm group some who consider suicide as an alternative. I’ve had moments that the thought crossed my mind. Unbidden it just pops in somewhere between a thought of ‘Where did I leave my toothbrush’ and ‘oh hell, the milk doesn’t go in the pantry’. It sneaks in quietly with a little comment that says ‘What’s it all for? Why suffer? Why risk the future? You wouldn’t be missed. You’d be doing them a favor since you’re just a burden’. It beckons so quietly that you almost miss it. Like unconsciously humming a familiar tune in the background and not really paying attention to the details. Sometimes I do listen carefully. I even start to believe its words. Luckily I snap out of it with a quick retort of ‘Are you frickin kidding me?! As far as I’ve come?! I might not think I matter to anyone but I atleast know for sure I matter to the dogs (and they’re great dogs)!’

The thing is, now after Robin William’s suicide people are starting to come out of the woodwork remarking about the impact he had on their lives. Many touched by the characters he played in movies. Perhaps he convinced himself that all that did not matter. But his craft, his God-given talent, extended out and touched others. In that manner he made a difference to strangers. I won’t pretend to know the zillion other ways he made an impact. What I’m intrigued by is that we can convince ourselves that we don’t deserve to be here. But we don’t always know the impact we have. We don’t always see it. We don’t tell each other ‘hey do you know I really love you and you are important in my life’. We don’t know if that person we just smiled at was grateful to be seen and it warmed his heart. We don’t know if helping that woman cross the street actually saved her life from the car that was about to barrel her down. We don’t know how our words or our actions reached out and grab someone. We don’t always open our mouths and say it. Sometimes we’re not meant to know.

And yet, especially in the aneurysm group, there are so many reminders that God, that something greater, believes we deserve to be here. It may not be in the form we have envisioned but sometimes, in a weird way, it turns out to be better. This one is hard to grasp because how can pain & suffering be ‘better’. But perhaps like a devastating forest fire it cleanses the things that needed to be released in order for the new growth to begin. Life is hard. Living is proof enough we are warriors. 

May all those who are currently being lured by that voice’s mesmerizing song remember that they do deserve to be here and do have a lot to offer. Even if it is for two amazingly awesome dogs :) (and yes, the family who loves me). 

For the record, I think you all are amazing beings. Keep your head lifted, shoulders back and feel your awesomeness. There, deep beneath the pain and discomfort. Let your light shine.

“You will have bad times, 

but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.”

 ~Robin Williams

I'm sharing my card again

because it holds magic for the reader
(I can dream)