Defragmentation Required

We were at my step son's house when I met the neighbor's parents

My husband told me I knew the neighbor

I kept saying no and he kept insisting

When he recognized the start of panic on my face he backed off

He explained to the parents that I lost some short term memory

and the worst thing to do is insist I know something when I can't remember

~ ~ ~

 

When my Dad had a stroke he regressed 32 years

He didn't recognize me and I had to be careful not to use my name

In his mind I was supposed to be 4...not 36

He would look around the rooms and ask me when he was going home

I would tell him he was home and he'd become animated

explaining in detail what the home back on 18th street was like

Some days he would ask me if the orchard was covered in dew

and would he need his jacket before going out to pick the oranges

I was fascinated

Where did 32 years go?

I imagined the stroke as a power surge 

that fried the contents of the mental file cabinets

Gone. Poof. 

Every detail. Every experience. Just gone. 

Fascinating.

When I came home from the hospital I could see my son 

And while I think I knew who he was I couldn't remember his name

I kept calling him by my nephew's name

A few months later while at the Doc's office I had to sign some papers

When something seemed off

I pulled out my driver's license and realized I was using the wrong name

I was using my first marriage name

Try explaining to the office staff that 'yep I'm fine even if I don't know my name'

As time goes by I am recognizing that I have regressed 26 years

Just in small ways...nothing at all like my Dad

I realize now my brain thought my son was my nephew 

my nephew was 18 when I was 23

I was newly married at 23 

I'm remembering details from that marriage

Things like 'oh today's my anniversary' then telling myself 'no it's not!'

Funny stuff we did or dreams we had for the future

And with it the painfulness of divorce

It's all fresh again

Those things I can deal with

But as I've mentioned before

The self esteem issues from that age came back too

And not something I want to deal with again

All the zen growth went Poof. Disappeared. 

Where the hell did it go?

Is it in there somewhere rattling around?

And how? It doesn't have physical form. It is a memory. Knowledge.

Purely fascinating. 

I suppose when the Docs opened my skull it was like a power failure

and some brain cells became fragmented and misfiled

 Oooh just like a computer!

Too bad you can't run a brain defragmentation

~ ~ ~

As for the hubby and son

they have been patient

When I overdo things I go back to slurring or forgetting

And when they forget I do what my Mama told me to do

I point at my head and say 'sorry' and shrug my shoulders

 

It's all just so fascinating to me

(but there are times when not remembering is creepy)