Look in the Mirror

A woman said that it broke her heart to hear other women say

that they never look in the mirror

other than a quick glance to make sure things match

I thought how odd 

I don't look in the mirror much

except to make sure I haven't played connect the dots with my eyeliner

or some other important thing like that

Her comment lingered in my head and I wondered

why?

Why do we avoid looking into that reflection of self?

Instead of stopping everyone on the street and asking why

I figured I'd ask myself

and the answer was kinda tough

I stood in front of the mirror and made myself look

beyond the usual precursory glance

I felt myself begin to squirm and I forced myself to look

I heard my brain begin its derogatory chatter

loser, idiot, ugly, useless, blah blah blah

and I squirmed some more as I forced myself to hold steady

waste, shameful, did I say ugly

I wanted to cry but I was determined so I looked into my eyes

I ignored my brain and looked deep

I saw hatred

I got closer to the mirror and looked deeper 

I saw sadness

I got close enough that my breath created little fog patches on the mirror

I saw flashes of color, depth, pattern in my iris

that pulled my gaze deeper into the darkness of my pupil

Lost in the depths of that darkness I could no longer hear my brain chatter

There I saw strength and wonder and awe

The gateway

 

I remembered all the times I've been knocked flat 

and how I keep getting up

(although sometimes I wish I'd just lie there for a while)

I saw my family, my ancestors, my past, my future all wrapped up

I saw gratitude, love, intrigue, empathy

 

Way down deep in that darkness I caught a glimpse of my soul

A teeny weeny glimpse that made me ashamed to feel such hatred

towards the package it calls home

I pulled away and drew a heart in the little fog patch

I learned two lessons

1. Don't ask why if you don't want to know

2. I have some work ahead of me