On Death

I purposely haven't chosen words for the year

because I'm not ready for Life to sucker punch me

smirk

One thing I've been struggling to grasp lately is the concept of Death

Not my own

I'm not afraid of dying but rather living in a dependent state

where someone has to be my eyes, ears, arms, legs or even mental state

Instead what I'm struggling with is seeing beyond demise

Since surgery I look at others and see 'a downward spiral'

It was becoming difficult to see beyond it until someone reminded me

that we are all dying

It's common knowledge

Nothing had changed but my perception

Where I once saw beauty and laughter I was now seeing a fading of life

Everything was tinged with a sadness

While I was finally comfortable with the idea of not wanting friends

I wasn't ready to accept that I would one day lose my family

But I see their illnesses beginning to multiply

And I see age starting to take a toll

My sister's father in law passed away before Thanksgiving

Her brother in law is now in hospice dealing with terminal cancer

My brother just had surgery to remove prostate cancer

My doggie just had a low malignant tumor removed from her leg

And my sister is still looking for the source of her illnesses

And there are the others...

It's all around...as if my surgery opened the door and invited death in

As I shoveled the snow I thought of this

I can sit in my house and wait for Death to ring the doorbell

Or like my Mama says, keep living fully and have Death chase her down

As I thought some more I realized it's not Death I am afraid of

It's the act of losing someone I love

Of not having them physically with me

To share the laughter that leaves you gasping for breath

And being able to finish each others sentences

and yet...there's no way around it

So I could live in fear of what's to come

or just accept it and enjoy the moments we have right now

(as much as I don't want to I haven't a choice)

I LOVE my family

and while Death may be our house guest at the moment

perhaps we can shackle it to a chair and keep it still for a while

a long while