Yep, I'm fat...for now

I've been on vacation and have lots to share

but one of the most important things I want to share

Is something interesting I discovered

Something that many people keep secret

Something that kept hidden causes great harm

And because of that, I am willing to speak openly about it

I was always thin; weighed about 115-120 as a teen to early 20s

Had to hear from friends that I would never understand what they went through

because I was thin

Had to hear from aunts or cousins that I was too thin and looked sick

Had girls I never met make judgements because of my weight

I felt awkward for being thin and ashamed for being happy I was thin

Until I started taking fertility pills in my early 20s

and quickly gained lots of weight

which never went away

And then I heard from those same friends 'oh wow you've gained alot of weight'

followed by a smirk

From aunts and cousins 'wow, you used to be so thin and pretty'

Or strangers in dressing rooms seeing me try on a dress and saying

'oh, that's pretty do you know if it comes in normal sizes'

or the dreaded 'you have a pretty face'

 ~ ~ ~

So over the years I've tried losing weight unsuccessfully

It's always the same, I start out well and lose up to 10 pounds

I start feeling better and then...stop

I find reasons, excuses, make plans, break plans

and I don't think much about it

But then I notice some things

I start hiding

I avoid gatherings where anyone who knew me before will see me

I don't want to hear about how I let myself go

I avoid situations where I need to dress up because nothing fits

I avoid eating things that someone might look and say 'oh well no wonder'

I avoid mirrors and cameras

I feel fat, frumpy, ugly and ashamed
Shame grabs hold
So I eat less or eat more of stuff I don't even like much
as in 'oh well why bother'

 I have an out of town visitor

Which means lots of camera shots

Which means I get to see me in pictures

Which sent me into a tailspin of shame and disgust

So I tried eating as often as those around me do 

one large meal a day

But that doesn't work for me 

My body retaliates and get this

STARTS TO GAIN WEIGHT

Docs say I need to eat more often

That I'm not eating enough and I point to my muffin top 

as proof that I'm obviously eating too much

So I hire a trainer

Who says the same thing

She sends me a weekly menu and I look at it and the first thought is

"OMG I'll starve!"

and then laugh because the reality is that it is alot more food than I eat now

I check my thoughts

I realize then that I'm at risk of developing an eating disorder

So here's the thing

Losing weight is not as simple as eat less exercise more

It's about recognizing my thought patterns

 recognizing that what works for one doesn't work for all

recognizing that I shouldn't be ashamed of being thin or overweight

recognizing that it's time to part with the weight

to ensure a healthy future

And that anyone that makes me feel otherwise

isn't worth my attention

~ ~ ~

I decided to share this because while on vacation 

I went ahead and started eating and lost a couple pounds

I've also started forcing myself to try not to judge myself in pictures

for every thing I find disgusting I try to find something I like

So if I start posting more pics of myself

I'm not being weird

I'm trying to learn self acceptance