I need to share this here
because I can't anywhere else
~ ~ ~
Mama, my heart is breaking
You were always so unbelievably strong
Feisty, hilarious, full of life
I don't like to see you looking so frail and lonely
I don't like the sad look in your eyes
I don't like that you've lost so much of your independence
I wish I could reach in and fix those damned heart valves
that are leaving you weak and confused
I wish the doctors saw you as human instead of just another case
I wish I didn't have to ask you so many personal questions
about how you want things handled upon your passing
I wish I didn't have to go through your personal things
asking you to decide to keep or toss
in an effort to make your home more comfortable as your health declines
As the baby in the family I was always overlooked
Now I feel as if everyone is counting on me
to make sure things work out just right
I clench my teeth each time I deal with lawyers, accountants, healthcare
I don't know what I'm doing
I need you
I need you to say it's going to be okay
But I can't
You need me now
I will be strong just like you taught me
I will ask the right questions and get you answers
I will make sure the family is kept together and play nice
I will be stern when I need to be
I promise to respect you always
Respect that it is your home and your decision
I will never be condescending
I promise to keep being as crazy as always
and keep teasing and playing with you to make you laugh
I promise I will come to you when I need advice because
You are still mi Mama
Under the wrinkling skin, the slowing heartbeat, the hunching shoulders
your spirit is stronger than ever
I promise to see that when I look at you
I promise to see that when I look at you
I will not let my discomfort or sadness stand in the way
I will do everything I can for you
because you are mi Mama and I love you
Elena
~ ~ ~
As I struggle a bit in this new phase of life
I find that I have to dig deep past the sadness of eventually losing my Mama
I find that in my culture there are many things we don't prepare for
That the old way of doing things no longer work
That no matter how awkward or confusing something is, it has to be done anyways
I find that in turn my hubby and I are making changes in our own lives
Little things like making sure important files and details are easy to find
That wills and insurances reflect our wishes
Even talking a bit with our sons so nothing comes as a surprise
I'm even trying to keep junk down to a minimum
but maybe I could leave them those loads of dirty laundry
(smirk)
Keeping you in my thoughts, friend!
ReplyDeleteAw hon. Your heart. I can feel it weep. You are an absolute blessing to your mama. I'm sorry for your pain and position. I am grateful your mama has you to care.
ReplyDeleteElena, beautiful words. Share them with your mama. I know the feeling. My mom is going to be 90 and although she is feeling it, she won't give in. She keeps going on and still doesn't want anyone staying with her. We are there as often as possible and do what we can. Yes, when you start seeing the process happening, it reminds you of your own mortality. We've done our paperwork, paid for our cremation and our plots, so we are ready when the time comes. My thoughts and prayers are with you. ::sending you strength::
ReplyDeleteThis shining the light on the whole process of living, dying, mourning, letting go is so important, Elena, as it is something we all share yet rarely really help one another through. I am so glad your Mama has you there with her for this part of her journey. Huge hugs, Brave One
ReplyDeletexoxo
Hugs Elena, I can to some extent imagine what u are going through.
ReplyDeleteU know I am a cardiologist, and I see a lot of cases like your mama with end stage heart failure, I see the patients going through the loss of their freedom and coming in terms with the end, I also see their family members face the one eventuality we all try to evade and as a doctor It's my job to prepare them and ease their pain, So I can understand all this.
I don't know if this will be of any help, but I often tell this to my patients, Life is the time we were given, to explore the joys of nature and world, to add to this world what we could doing the best with what we had been given, and if in the time we had, we even manage to ease a little of pain of those around us, spread love and cheer, we have done enough to leave in peace. The biggest regret in life is not to have done that.
And for u Elena, this is another lesson from life, a reality check, to tell u that it's time to ask yourself have u done enough with the time and resources u had been given, to buckle up and get your act together, and doing more than just what u could do.
U are doing a great job and I know u will go through this beautifully and your mama is proud as she see's the wonderful job that she has done with u everyday that she see's u so strong.
Oh Elena! My heart breaks for you and the tears are streaming. I have been there and I know how hard it is. You are such a blessing to your mama, just as she is to you. This may test your strength but I know it will not break you because you are so strong. I can only wish that I had handled it all as well as you seem to be doing. Keeping you and your mama in my thoughts and prayers and heart. Big (((HUGS))).
ReplyDeleteAs my mother failed, my siblings ran away in denial. As the primary caretaker, you gain strength, understanding, patience while dealing with continual stress and sadness. One day you will look back proudly at how you handled things. For me, it was the most painful, rewarding, brave accomplishment of my life. Hang in there, feel and share the love.
ReplyDeletesad but beautiful words from a beautiful daughter. You will never regret these days. Big hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteO Elena, what a beautiful tribute to your mother; your words really reflect your love and your strength. You and your mama are in my prayers *hugs*
ReplyDeleteTear in the eye Elena. You are going through something that we all dread, however it is without doubt a crossroads in life as the responsibility roles are reversed. The one constant though is the LOVE in one's heart no matter which end of the equation you are on.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't respond so quickly because I had to process your words. That sounds cold, but it isn't. You and I know I've been through this. My mama is still alive, but you know what she's been through and how much I know how you are feeling. You are right about how difficult and frustrating it is and how overwhelming it can all seem. But as you do this realize that as soon as you can get this done, you can spend the quality time with her. All our deaths are inevitable but remember, she's not dead yet. You still have her, enjoy her, cherish her, and love her. There will be a quiet calm that comes when you are done with all the "business". Use this time with her. You are learning the lessons of how to prepare yourself and your sons. There are good times and there are difficult times and as nice as you can be, sometimes it doesn't turn out the way we want. The important thing is to be proud of yourself, be proud of the strength and love your mom has shown you. All that you are and all that you strive to be are because of her and the wisdom you've gained. Your words and your work on her behalf is a tribute to what she has given. I love your mama dearly and I spoke with her the other day, it saddened me to hear her weakness and her feeling that she doesn't want to be a burden. But, it cheered me up when she received my gift and I noticed how it lifted her spirit. I asked her to remember she wasn't a burden, she was loved. I also told her that despite the news, she was still alive and she should still be acting that way. I love you too, very much, my sis/cuz, we are soul mates and I will always be there for you and for your mama. Close your eyes and feel me hugging you with all my heart. I know how you are feeling!!
ReplyDeleteDear, dear Elena. You know I know exactly what you are going through. I understand your frustration, fear, and dread. I feel your pain dear sis/cuz, especially because I love your mama as my own and I feel the same way about my mama. When I spoke with your mama the other day she sounded so down, so defeated, such a burden. I reminded her she is not a burden, just loved; the same way her sister, my mama is loved. I also told her that despite the news she is not dead, she is still alive and she should live every moment she has. Then my gift arrived and she got so upbeat it made me so happy. Elena, get the "business" stuff done and then settle in to enjoy the time your mama is still here. She has already imparted her love, strength, and wisdom in you. Now just enjoy her and laugh with her. Spend time with her and find out if there are more lessons to be learned. The end of all our lives is inevitable, remember. We may want to hang on to them and keep them forever, but that is prolonging their agony. Be proud of what you do for her, of all that she has to be proud of you. Cherish her, love her, and enjoy your time with her. Laugh and joke and create all those wonderful memories you will have for your lifetime. She has left you a wonderful legacy--wonderful you. Close your eyes and feel me hugging you with all my heart and soul. You are a soul mate of mine and I will always be here for you. Do what you must and trust in yourself because you have learned her strength and then some.
ReplyDeleteI, too, know what you are feeling now. Yes, you will always remember these days that you have with her and they will warm you. I think of my mama every day. Embrace every moment, as I know you are. You are special, Elena...and so is Mama.
ReplyDelete