I'm going to die

When I first heard about the aneurysm I was very calm

Then as these things happen it started to sink in and become scary

After a few days I looked at my son and panicked

Fear socked me in the gut

Oh. My. God. I'm going to die.

As I felt the panic climb up my gut into my throat

I started to cry

Then just as fast remembered I'm not supposed to cry

Which made me cry more

And then a new voice, a new thought, in my head

"Hey! Stop it!" it shouted

So I stopped sniveling long enough to listen

"What are you afraid of?" it asked

Leaving my kid alone - I sniveled back 

"Ok, really, will he be alone?" it countered

Um..no..but he won't have ME - I insisted

"Well, that's pretty smug of you, no?" it asked

Well, yeah I guess, so maybe I don't want to die.

And it's pretty frustrating having to be so careful not to do anything 

 that could pop the bubble and cause me to die right now

"Well, you do know everyone dies right? Old age isn't a guarantee. 

And you could drop right now from something totally unrelated.

So why worry about it now"

Oh. Yeah. 

And that little conversation in my head made all the difference in the world

Good thing it happened early on!

Getting past the panic and seeing my fear through to its end

Made me realize I could either live in fear or choose to keep living while I'm still alive

I'm not here forever

But I am here now

So why waste it in fear and worry

 ~ ~

Now if I could only get my hubby to see that

Maybe he'd let me back on the motorcycle soon

 ~

By the way here's my new thought

I'm going to my test next week and the doc will say

"Where's the bubble?! I can't find it!"