I feel great how 'bout you?

Surgery is tomorrow

And, shhhhh, no menopausal symptoms yet

After tomorrow I'll be so drugged up I won't even notice

I mentioned that my family was feeling rather scared

So in an effort to comfort them I bought those little angels

Yesterday I wrote a little note with each that said how much I love them

By the last one I felt like I was saying goodbye

And made myself cry - which made me laugh

So now I was doing a laughing crying sniveling thing

Jumped off my chair, wiped my eyes, and said aloud 'ok that was cleansing!'

And got back to work cleaning out anything I no longer use

 

While organizing my studio I had time to think

I've been getting calls from old time friends and family

Most conversations start out with 'so how are you feeling'

You know, in that lowered sad voice (why do we do that anyway?)

My response is I'm doing great, thanks, how 'bout you?

And everyone asks 'no, really, how are you' (with an even more serious tone)

I try explaining I'm doing very well and finally I give up

I lower my tone of voice to match theirs and say 'oh yeah I could be better'

Then their voice comes up a bit and the conversation moves on

Unfortunately it moves on to a list of illnesses & symptoms & fears & so on

I just listen...carefully

If I am not careful I start to feel their same fear

I start to buy into the idea that I will forever be sick because of genetics

or my age, or compounded side effects from past surgeries, or whatever

We learn to expect the worst, to accept it, to make it part of us

We listen to the doctors, we research, we slap labels upon ourselves, 

Hello my name is _____ and I have _____ what about you

we swallow the pills, and the pills to counteract the pills,

we just nod in agreement w/ our diagnosis 

with lowered voice we compare symptoms over coffee

'oh this will happen to you too'

If I say I am feeling great I mean I am feeling positive

I choose not to be scared all the time

I choose not to let it become my label

Because I am more than a disease

I am more than my physical body, my past, my environment

I understand the confusion because it's going against my norm

I suffered from depression twenty four years ago

I went through the labels and pill party prescribed by doctors

But what keeps me from falling down that path again is what a doctor said

After I asked what I could do to help myself he responded

"Keep taking your pills, once you have this you'll suffer from depression forever"

I was pissed and was able to stop the cycle

But I always worried about returning or a million other things

This person I've become is new to me too

The only thing I've done differently is embraced my spirituality

And with it comes a sense of peace and expansion

So yep, I feel great

Ask me in a few days when my head feels like a jack hammer

And I might respond in a lowered tone of voice that I feel like shit

and ask if you want to go for a cup of coffee

(teehee, don't worry I don't drink coffee)