Brain Short Circuits

"Of course in our train of thought,

we would all like to think we're on the right track,

or atleast the same railroad company as the right track."

~ Criss Jami

~ ~ ~

Thanks for the great responses to the previous post

But after writing it I sat and asked myself

"Really? Are you REALLY trying to find yourself now? NOW?"

Heck I'm still pulling glue off my head

I still have to rub my eyebrow to satisfy an itch on top of my head

Then I realized I was just deceiving myself

Because my brain isn't quite sure what's happening

it jumped to the default worry...life purpose

Poor little thing

I'm doing very well physically

I've lost 24 lbs and my blood pressure is down 24 points

which means no more blood pressure medicine

My hair is growing back and I can drive up to 30 miles one way

I look better

Which is where it gets tricky

My hubby loves me and my surgery scared him 

He knows I love managing projects so he created one in the kitchen

He thought it would 'shake me out of it' - help me get better

Instead it confuses my brain

I get overwhelmed by too much noise, activity, movement

I can handle a question or two but need time to process 

My hubby is all noise, activity, movement and 1000 questions (heehee)

And I look at him wide-eyed and confused

My brain bottlenecks and he doesn't get it...heck I don't get it

I point at my head and explain

I have always thought in pictures

There are no pictures...I don't know how to think otherwise

I am better in the morning but notice a difference by the afternoon

He gets impatient...I get mean

And then my head shuts down and my face swells

Let me note here that I find this extremely interesting

A thought process...something intangible

has the ability to cause a physical change like swelling - amazing

What happens then is I start to doubt myself

My brain isn't sure how to process this feeling so it thinks life purpose

When the reality is I'm just trying to get by 

I start to feel sad then anger for being sad

Because really what am I being sad for?

The nurse explains it's normal...it's something akin to grief

Which falls right into that stuff I don't understand - grief for what

Confused I went to a small adoration chapel and sat in there alone

It was so peaceful and meditative and blessedly quiet

And I remembered my Dad

When he was sick he reverted back to earlier years

Back when I was 4, when the others were teens, when he still worked

My Mama would argue with him when he didn't recognize the house

or who I was or said he had just seen a cousin who was long gone

But I could see the flicker of confusion in his eyes and a touch of fear

Because in his mind these things were real

The stroke had damaged the parts tied to present times

This was his reality

So I pretended...I told him I was my eldest sister

I said I had also seen the cousin

And his eyes would relax

I decided I'm going to be as patient with myself as I was with my Dad

My brain is healing

I am lucky that I have healed this fast and this far

Others are not as lucky and I pray for them every day

Even thought I don't know why I should be sad or grieving I'll allow it

Because it must serve a purpose

As for the hubby, we've come to an understanding
If I am overwhelmed I call a time out and walk away
Retreat to the recliner and play possum

Sorry this has become like a healing diary
but it's more for me than anything
Love and peace to y'all