I Thought I was Defected

Some recent events have left me wondering

Pondering, thinking, scratching my nose

And finally last night I went to bed convinced

that my endless questioning & inability to settle on one thing 

was a character defect

I awoke in the early morning hours 

and pondered some more

that's what questioning types like me do

I've always been like this ~ seeking, searching, experimenting

My Mama encouraged me to explore anything that came to mind

in the hopes of finding my one true love

She thought (prayed) I would outgrow it and settle down

but how do I say that I have a gypsy soul

how do I explain to those that say pick one thing and finish it

that part way through I realize my soul has already moved on without me

how do I answer those that say "what's wrong with you"

when responding 'I'm following my soul' would sound so weird

How can I say I don't think I'm meant to love one thing

I love many

I'm a wanderer

I do not travel a linear path

Like a spider on a web, my travels appear aimless

 

When I finally got out of the bed I found this Note waiting for me

 "The presumption, Elena, at all times and under all circumstances, should always be that you are good enough, worthy enough, and lovable enough. And that you are exactly the right kind of person, in the right place, at the right time. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been instilled with such dreams in the first place."

And it made me think

We're not all made the same

Perhaps I am not defected

So I'm not maternal, or a homebody, or romantic or just an artist

I'm so much more

I seek, experiment, and plant the seeds

by ignoring my spirit I would not have as many varied experiences

nor experience half the things I know await me

So meeting the bishop in the morning and signing up w/ a biker club in the afternoon

or running to catch a street musician to tell him he rocks

and five minutes later be too shy to talk to the farmer next to me

Is as perfectly normal to me

as throwing food in a crockpot is for someone else

The thing is, when I'm too old to travel my path any longer

I will have one hell of a garden to look upon

Instead of one variety or color of flower

I will have many

And in its seemingly chaotic state, it will be brilliantly beautiful

because all my seemingly random paths eventually connect to one another

like the threads in the morning spider web

And I smiled and thanked God

that I never outgrew the urge to follow my gypsy soul

And then found this quote when I opened a website

"This I believe: That the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual.”~John Steinbeck