Oddly Lonely

~Loneliness~

I've been struggling with feelings of loneliness quite a bit lately

Perhaps because a great majority of my time is spent alone

but oddly I prefer being alone - so I can't explain why the sudden loneliness

But there are times that I feel invisible

and for a split second

begin to wonder if I am still here

That scary-intriguing thought that perhaps I died in my sleep

and don't know it

But yesterday carried a new feeling

Looking around at my current situation and telling myself

THIS is not what I am supposed to be doing at 44

I've become a house-wife, I'm like the living-dead, a zombie

(don't get me wrong, house-wife might be perfect for you...but not for me)

And horrified by this thought and feeling a wee bit (a whole lot) caged

I jumped in the car and went into town

And sat at a table next to the farmers to listen to their lively banter

And when the waitress talked to me - realized I'm not dead after all

Later at the store I literally ran into a movie display

The Way with Martin Sheen

about a pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago

and have mentally added that trip to my growing list of places to visit

And I knew

If I expect to travel alone cross country and abroad

I need to recognize the differences between being alone and being lonely

Since The Kid still has a few years before leaving the nest

I can use this time to learn, to prepare, to grow

to save money

So that when the time comes

we can both spread our wings and fly out of the nest
~ ~ ~

I almost didn't post this because I'm not trying to solicit sympathy
I've also tried joining woman groups and find they bore me
but I was too intrigued by these feelings and decided to log them in