Invisibility

As a kid I was painfully shy

It wasn't that I didn't crave friendships

I just didn't want to answer questions about my family

And I was too worried over adult things to feel carefree with kid things

I have a natural curiosity for the workings behind an object or idea

I want to know more

I want to experience and learn and do and share

But instead I was the last one chosen in games

The last one invited anywhere

The one told I couldn't do something because I was 

a kid, a girl, sickly, a dip-stick
insert whatever-other-reason here

And it all blends into the perception you form of self

So instead I learned to be invisible and observe

I sucked it all in like a sponge

Made superficial friendships along the way

Allowing only a select few to see what I allowed them to see

The problem with invisibility is

That when I've been invisible for too long

It becomes hard to trust who I perceive I am

So I start wearing masks so that I and others can see who I want them to see
As I flit in and out 

Placing a tentative foot in different little groups here and there

Never really belonging in one place

But when something comes along that causes me to lose my footing
The mask falls off and invisibility engulfs me once again

I no longer crave to be part of one group or of belonging
I'm still curious and enjoy learning new things
But I still flit on the outside edge
And it's very easy for me to scamper away 
 

I am learning to sit still and wait for the feelings to subside

So that I may see clearly the lesson I am yet to see
Quite difficult for someone as passionate & quick to anger as I am!

As I continue my journey I'm learning that I will see
What it is I focus upon
That I need to be careful to see with my spirit and not with my eyes

Because in doing so I learn, experience, do and share