The Gift

Last day of 2012

Resistance

Have you ever really felt resistance?

The actual feeling of it sitting on your chest

Where you try to make it go away but know the only way to is by confronting it

And as you try to look closely, determined to get the beast off your chest

You fall asleep instead?

Haha! Yeah, ever feel that?

Understanding

Have you ever noticed how it often follows a good sleep?

Suddenly knowing what's behind the resistance

But have no clue what to actually do about it

And know you have a small window in which to act

before resistance perches itself back upon your chest

What to do? What to do?

Run

Or blog about it...teehee

Cuz there's one thing resistance doesn't like

Scrutiny

Birthday Suit

Ok so I'm not actually going to show you my birthday suit

But about to share something so personal that it's like

my emotional birthday suit

(squirm squirm)

Resistance popped up it's ugly head after making some creative decisions

Resistance snuggled up close when I put together some small bags for the homeless

Resistance climbed upon my chest and took residence when I made Christmas gifts

And I've been finding it hard to (emotionally) breathe since

The homeless bags made me feel stupid (and apologetic) for making them

Working through that, would you believe I never ran into one homeless person?

The funny thing is I've been everywhere this Christmas and not one to be seen

I felt relieved thinking perhaps that meant they were snuggled warmly in a shelter

But seeing the bags in the back seat of my car unleashed some ugliness

I've always loved giving gifts

Nothing expensive...homemade or small token things just to make someone smile

In my early 20s I overheard a coworker make an ugly comment about my gift giving

And I stopped giving

I've recently started playing around with fused glass

Thought this would make a good Christmas gift for those in my family

The hours whizzed by as I created & the excitement built as I opened the kiln

to reveal pretty little pendants and sun catchers that I would gladly use

But my excitement was short lived

As it occurred to me that these were meant to be gifts

I tried talking myself out of giving them away

Tried to get my hubby to say they were too sucky to give as gifts

Finally just pinned them all down and decided to let my family choose

I couldn't breathe as I stood in front of each one as I explained...

"please pick one, I'm sorry they're sucky, this was my first solo run and I'll get better I hope and if you really hate it please tell me so I can learn and then I can buy you something better"

words all tumbling out in one heart stopping breath

I was glad when it was over as I ran off to help with the tamales

Clarity

I see it clearly now

That coworker made me feel stupid for giving gifts

My ex hubby once looked horrified when I suggested making gifts for the family

I've seen people receive homemade gifts and smirk behind the person's back

These little things all joined to taint something I once loved

They sucked the joy out of it...made me feel ashamed

but

now that I look back I can see it differently

there were smiling eyes receiving the gifts & hugs with "I can't believe you thought of me"s

the bags may have been unused over Christmas but will remain in my car just in case

I don't give because I'm self-righteous or want attention or can't afford to buy

 it's something far better

I received some beautiful handmade gifts this year

And they made me smile

But one of the best gifts I received was a hug from a little boy

I've been sneaking gifts to this little guy for several years through his mom

She always tells him it's from Santa 

they don't have much, expect nothing, give freely, love each other unconditionally

This year she surprised me with a handmade gift and bringing the little guy to meet me

As I gave him his gift, his smiling eyes and tight hug was worth everything in the world

that's what gift giving is about to me

a connection with someone for one moment that makes them feel loved

 something that says 'I thought of YOU'

 These are some of the family gifts...forgot to photograph the others

~ ~

I wrote this all out so I can refer back to it when Resistance tries climbing back on
There will always be stupid people with stupid comments
But I know now that it's my choice if I let them dim my light

All this also uncovered something I haven't dealt with yet

Pride

Why is it that I think it's bad to be proud of my creations?

Why do I think they suck and that nobody in their right mind would think they were any good?

Till next time

And so I close the chapter on 2012 and wish it Adieu

Happiest of New Year wishes to you!!!!