All in Due Time...

A hard part of healing for me has been loss of control

I don't know what to expect or when

Things like the swelling and numbness may take up to a year
And can I just say that I'm too grossed out by how my head feels to touch it
bleh

The glue on my head just won't go away

So I've decided the best solution is to hire a monkey

who can sit on my shoulders to pick the darn stuff off

Which by the way comes off in small pieces with sections of my hair

Which is oddly (grossly) fascinating

 My memory is improving but I still get a bit dizzy when walking

(nowhere near mandated 5 miles heehee)

I used to worry that I would never ride again

but figured I'll just wait until I can drive again to see how I do on wheels

But the curious thing is I was unable to create

for a second I felt panicky

knowing that I can't look down for long to read or do puzzles

I hoped I could distract myself by creating

Madame Styx was gone...she was sucked in by the quagmire

 

 I tried painting...tried

and I would have frowned or cried if I could

part of me looked at my efforts and thought

eeeew

I can only go so far before I hit a brick wall
I can almost feel the block...a sense of almost breaking through
if I could only force it a bit more...
But then I know what happens if you force creativity...ya don't

Then a curious quiet side appears and says

'good start - we build from here'
and I set it aside to rest

 The thing is I know I went through a rough surgery

My brain and body are taking their time to heal

And in the silence of this transition

I am finding an odd sense of comfort

(note...this is ONLY when my ego is not around)

When I feel the panic of 'oh crap I won't be....' I tell myself

Look around at the people and things you get to experience

You finally see what LOVE really is about

When I say 'oh damn I suck at...' I tell myself

just feel the paint on your fingers, 

or close your eyes and listen to the music

or the birds singing or feel the wind on your face

When my mind won't cooperate I just tell myself 

'all in due time'
as I make my way to take a rest

And I then discovered that Madame Styx wasn't really gone

she was just holding tight to keep out of fear's way

And she came back telling me to be a big girl

And pull up my big pants ala John Wayne
We've had a good start - we build from here