Do I matter?

Do I matter?

Do I really matter?

Did I make a difference by being born?

Of course my family will say 'yes' because I matter to them

And whether good or bad I made a difference in two husbands' lives

The peace I have felt for several months is being bothered by this question

Do I matter?

I tell it to go away, I try bribing it, I try running from it

I finally sit beside it and ask 'why are you bothering me'

 ~ ~ ~

I exchanged emails the other day with an event director

She meets so many people so I didn't know if she'd remember me

I couldn't think of one thing that would have made me memorable

so I reminded her I rode in on my motorcycle

In turn she said she remembered me well and not because of the bike

She remembered me because of how easy it was to talk to me

Of who I was, of our common interests

I thought 'huh-there must be more to you Elena'

As I heal I find that my brain is trying to find its footing

Trying to get back to who I am

But I'm lost

I don't know who I am anymore?

Turns out I haven't known who I am since I stopped working

I dabbled with drawing, painting, writing...but they are not passions

I tried forming friendships but it didn't go too well

And while I heal that side is closed off completely

My brain refuses any of those mediums

 Instead it wants to know

Do I matter?

~

I found a video that made my face scrunch in tearless scariness

Do I think these people matter?

Hell yes I do!

So, why am I any different?

I must matter too

I am so much tougher with myself than I would be with anyone else

I'm healing

Not just from surgery

I will take it slowly

I know I don't want to be rich and famous

I do know I want to make a difference

 

And I do matter

And one day I will know who I am