Taking Down Names

First let me say 'thank you so much' for all your comments

I mean to respond and sometimes think I have

so if you don't get one, or get more than one (heehee)

do know I truly appreciate you all

~ ~ ~

This is probably one of the harder posts I need to write

because it's about the ugly side

I write for myself to gain understanding

(or atleast get it out of my head)

Over the years I've noticed that people going through illness sometimes

become mean and short-tempered

others become dismissive or demand constant attention

or create odd arguments and drama

others treat it as just another part of life and shine in new strength

This has always intrigued me

Because I've always believed some of the behaviors are part of the illness

The fear part...fear of the unknown, the change

 

But I also saw some sad parts

Where people who are ill lose many of their family or friends

At a time when they most need to feel support

Although they haven't really changed, some people treat them differently

And so it went throughout the years

Then I became ill and started to see the other side of things

When I became ill, it was like being in a parallel world with glass walls

I still recognize everything and everyone but they are different somehow

I feel I'm on the sidelines in a world I'm no longer a part of

I'm in 'bizarro-world'

 

Routine things are no longer routine

Some friends use Facebook as the means to 'human touch'

The males in the family try to back out quietly 

Food, drink, even the air is different

Everything takes on a sense of 'what if'

I begin to scrunch my eyes and take note

 

Taking note

Our family joke when someone does something 'bad' we tease and say

'I'm putting your name in the book'

Something that always makes us laugh

And it made me laugh

Because I realized I had somehow found myself in the lashing out stage

I don't recognize who I am 

So in turn I see how others relate to me

 

Having reached the point of 'taking note' (heehee)

made me realize I must be touching fear

 So I took another look and think that

Illness has a way of weeding through and eliminating the weak areas

and strengthening the strong ones

Some people shy away from those who are ill because they are afraid

Some don't want to be reminded and others don't know how to help

Some people are just too busy...plain and simple

Some people are meant to go through this with you

and in turn they will strengthen and grow too

What I was afraid of was the unknown

I am not afraid of dying

but when the Doctor said I have to be tested for more aneurysms

I was afraid I would have more and they would pop and I'd become incapacited

Or don't get me started on thinking the clip will open in my head

I do not want to be a burden on my family

I love them too much 

So after seeing that I realized how creative fear can be

If people forget me...then it was meant to be

Stuck in bizarro-world is temporary and is quite interesting

Sidelines...they're ok too...they give a different outlook

The physical changes are temporary and quite amusing

My hair still looks like I'm molting and there's still some glue

My boobs and butt fell! How does that happen?! LOL!

I've dropped 20 lbs by eating MORE

The mental changes...well I don't recognize who I am

but I am becoming more than I was 

 

I went through an ugly-side 

but I was lucky to recognize it

before it started lashing out at some poor unsuspecting chap 

The thing for me to remember is

I am NOT an illness...I'm just here visiting...learning