Winter Solstice Reminder

Feeling restless the other day I ran away and soothed my soul
But it only lasted a few days before I felt the stirring again
With it came odd dreams & two words spiraling through the cobwebs in my head
Antevasin and Passion
I thought uh-oh what is the Universe conspiring
and am I ready

A good friend told me yesterday
'listen quietly and be patient'
Ha! Me? heehee

So when the words popped up yet again last night I listened

I remembered something my Mama said when she was in the hospital

Eyes closed, in an oddly raspy serious tone

"In life we need to be aware of the path we travel

We need to pay attention to the things that trip us up"

And I thought back to the things that have been tripping me up lately

and it all comes back to my not being true to self

When I don't pay attention I slip back into conformity mode

It's understandable - It's a 40 year old rut on my journey

And easy to slip back into

Antevasin

The word I first heard in Eat, Pray, Love by Elisabeth Gilbert

Sanskrit for dwelling close by; pupil who dwells near house of his teacher

अंतेवासिन्

“So I saw it during my last week at the Ashram, I was reading through an old text about Yoga, when I found a description of ancient spiritual seekers. A Sanskrit word appeared in the paragraph: ANTEVASIN. It means, ‘one who lives at the border.’ In ancient times this was a literal description. It indicated a person who had left the bustling center of worldly life to go live at the edge of the forest where the spiritual masters dwelled. The antevasin was not of the villagers anymore-not a householder with a conventional life. But neither was he yet a transcendent-not one of those sages who live deep in the unexplored woods, fully realized. The antevasin was an in-betweener. he was a border-dweller. He lived in sight of both worlds, but he looked toward the unknown. And he was a scholar.”

This is my journey; the Quest

If I'm honest with myself (and ignore my ego)

I can confidently say that I no longer mourn the life I left behind

It was a necessary step on my journey
I embrace the fact that I conform less each day

I am beginning to understand that it is not about identifying a specific purpose
but what I am learning on the journey
about those that I touch and touch me as I follow my path
I am a 'border-dweller; an in-betweener'
I feel restless when I perceive that I am not where I should be
I try running down my path to a specific destination
blindly trying to rush the process
instead of taking one step at a time
garnering all that is waiting for me along the way

Amused I realized today is Winter Solstice
the sun's pathway across the sky can't be rushed
reminding me about balance; winter here summer there
about the dormant lives that lie just outside my window
that will soon poke through in dazzling displays of color
All is well

~

"It may be when we no longer know what to do,
we have come to our real work,
and that when we no longer know which way to go,
we have begun our real journey." 

~Wendell Berry