Thankful for Anger

I hang my head in shame as I write

Not for something I've done

But rather something I failed to do

 

Every once in a while I let someone in too close

And in my desire to help I become blinded to their need to control

And I become poisoned

Hurt in the process I revert back to expecting the worst from the world

I start seeing the ugliness 

and since my thoughts dwell there the world brings me more proof

of that very ugliness

Something that I thought I had outgrown from a rocky childhood

Only to learn that the poisonous friendship only served to pull off the scab

Oh so subtly

And I didn't see it coming

I didn't expect for it to impact me so negatively 

It unraveled so many of the positive steps I had made

And that's why I'm ashamed

Because I folded under someone else's drama

Reminding me that I never really knew who I was to begin with

And that I have to start again even though I'm not sure where to begin

 I've tried forgetting it

But subconsciously feel the change it's made inside me 

My smiley happy self has been replaced with bitterness

And wishes of bad will

Feeling slightly off kilter I finally realized I was still stuck in the muck

Until this morning when I realized I have a choice

To let some crazy woman's insecurities poison me permanently

or go back to the way I used to be

I'm not going to care whether someone feels left out 

Or whether someone is comfortable or not

Or if they want to make themselves sick

Or want to keep playing the victim in their 'oh woe is me' drama

It's their choice to sink or swim

I'm out of it

And I've thankfully reconnected to the anger streak

which serves to catapult me every time