Con Ganas

Although my Mama was very ill in the hospital

And I had to fight my own feelings of desperation

It was a such a huge learning opportunity for me

In one room over 20 days I learned so much more

Than I could have ever hoped for

Especially intriguing was the direct correlation

between my Mama's state of mind and her physical health

Perhaps because I watched her for so long

I became familiar with these otherwise subtle changes

It almost became a game for me to watch for these

Then, intrigued, I started experimenting

When she was most dejected, I had doctors 'scold' gently

As one doc told her, "You can't die now, you missed your chance last week'

She'd laugh and slowly she'd make an extra effort to reach for something

But when I'd return I'd find her back at rock bottom

Left alone with her thoughts, the negativity became rampant

And she'd say she was never leaving the hospital alive

One such morning I was ready for her

In response to the 'never leaving alive' comment

I held up a few photos;

her garden, her parasailing in Acapulco
and her on a camel in Egypt

I said 'this is You; You are not an infection;
You are not a quitter'

She cried saying she did some cool things

I felt horrible for making her sad then quickly added

that she could still 'do' cool things

And like she always tells me I added

"Hechele ganas; Andale con Animo"

Ganas is a state of mind; doing it with gusto

Animo is encouragement; do it with spirit

I posted them on a board across her bed

If she was sad I'd point at the board

 

Over time it was cool to see the changes in her state of mind

Defeat turn to hope then anger then determination

They almost didn't release her the last day

Because she had not walked (hopped) for 20 days

Hearing this she started swearing and saying she was getting out

if she had to scoot out on her butt

Grabbing the walker she proceeded to stand on one leg

And hop to the nearest chair

The therapist laughed and said "you can go home honey"

 ~ ~

And I do it all the time too

Convince myself I can't do something; talk myself out of it

Lately I've done the things that I didn't think I could

I've given shots, cleaned out commode buckets, cooked

Humorously I've noticed the similarities to being a new mom

Going out to the doc yesterday

Involved packing a 'diaper' bag with pull ups, snacks and meds

Packing a wheelchair which is just a big stroller

Nights sleeping on the floor with a baby monitor nearby

It's all so amusing

And enlightening

The stuff I used to worry about

Just doesn't seem important anymore

Because I know I have the power of my mind on my side

Sounds so 'new agey' doesn't it

But I've got experiment results to prove it
~
Now I just have to fight the urge
to return to visit other patients and experiment some more