Warning: Drama Alert
Did you ever watch those Saturday morning cartoons
Where, in an attempt to catch the roadrunner,
the coyote would paint a scene on a rock
that made it appear as if the road continued
And always resulted with the coyote flat as a pancake on that same rock?
I know how the coyote felt
Pobre, pobre coyote
We were trudging along nicely
when my Mama and I hit a physical and emotional wall
She the physical and I the emotional
I could hang my head in shame (which I did)
But in an effort to pick myself back up from the downslide
I've decided to make my fall public
Because boy did I do an emotional fall
As in backflip, tumbling over jagged rocks, through fire landing in broken heap
Well you get the picture (I'll skip the drama)
Trying to take care of my Mama as she started to become ill
I was also on the phone fighting with the insurance
After 30 calls (no exaggeration) and countless hangups
And a son who hit emotional teen-dom at the WRONG TIME...
I started crying
And couldn't stop (hee hee ok now I'm embarrassed again)
Luckily my sister came by
I met her in the driveway....crying
I hid in my studio...crying
I sat on the back porch...crying
I couldn't stop no matter how much I tried
Or who tried to console me
And what sucks most
I still don't know why I was crying!
LOL!
My Mama is back in the hospital; since the infection returned
The good news is she was already getting stronger
So has a better chance of being home in a few days
Thank God she's in good spirits
Meaning she isn't quitting; she's spit-fire mad
Because I don't have anything left to give
That would help lift her if her spirits were low
I feel like a vampire came in the night and sucked me dry
I sleep and dream of lions and bears and buffaloes in my yard
I'm exhausted
And I feel such a strong urge to paint
Even took Laura's advice about trying to put emotion to paper
But all my head thinks about is medical and teenage crap
I feel like one of those animals in my dreams
tore off my wings
tore off my wings
And I forgot how to fly
Is it strange to say I think I forgot who I am?
Is it strange to say I think I forgot who I am?
I think your crying jag was an absolutely normal reaction to everything you've been going through. We need that release sometimes. I was afraid you beat somebody up or something! I hope your mother continues to do well.
ReplyDeleteMaybe all your tears are a good release, and I think you are doing an admirable job of coping in difficult circumstances. Well done, lady.
ReplyDeleteIt's very hard to do the things we have to do. It's even harder to try to get my mom to come and stay with us. She just turned 89 and she will not leave her home. I feel guilty because I just can't pack up and leave, she needs to be here with me where I can watch her. At least your mom is staying with you. My mom has help with family that lives there in San Jose and they stop in and help her out, so that makes me feel very guilty. It's very hard but there will come a time when I have to drop what I'm doing and just go stay over there leaving my husband to fend for himself. I hope you mother is doing better. You are only releasing your feelings, it's only natural. Sorry about how you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteOy Vay! I just sent you an e-mail and then read this post. Ouch hon.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, the crying? Don't ever be embarrassed. Don't worry about the why either. Your body was releasing and cleansing and it's necessary so cleanse away! You don't have to know what is being released or why, as long as you allow the release you will feel better.
Sorry your mama's infection is back. Oh dear. Glad she's in good fighting spirit. Lock yourself in your studio, cry if you need to and release onto paper. Perhaps even work with the word RELEASE. You'll find yourself in no time.
Hugs
Stress and strain do that -- no need to be ashamed of being emotionally exhausted. It's time for other family members to step up to the plate to help you. Seriously step up, not just give lip service.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you did a great clearing of all the things that bugged you for the last month, and that you didn't have time to clear. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteWow, Elena, this sounds so perfectly normal. Just think about all you've been dealing with the last few weeks with no chance to catch your breath and process. The crying probably released a lot of pent up inner pressure! And that's a good thing. Just give yourself a break and be gentle with yourself. Painting will come again - when the timing is just right!! Sending much love and light! Silke
ReplyDeleteSometimes we feel trapped and helpless by circumstances outwith our control. Of course with Mam, you have given your best and not quite had the desired result...............Of course if you look at it slightly differently and remember back a few weeks when all seemed lost, here she is still here and still on good spirits. If you feel wiped then you have to find a way of release, working with circumstances within your control, ie YOU!
ReplyDeleteDo something joyful and treat it as a celebration of your Mom´s success.
Oh honey.....your honesty and compassion are so huge and so heart warming to read...good healing prayers for your mom...sometime its a few steps back not just one. It sounds as though the tears are for you to cleanse all that you need to yet that hasn't been...so funny how a big change of events will have that impact on us...I say go to your garden, go to the dirt, go to the earth the mother who can heal you, and your own mother.....Good healing thoughts for you too.
ReplyDeleteOh, all that you have been through, Lovely One ! I think that crying was just what the Doctor ordered !You can been there for you mom as much as you can, and for that kiddo of yours too, but you have to be there for yourself too. Your body took care of that by setting off the waterworks. I will be that those tears have a good effect on you in the long run. Plus they serve as a reminder to keep yourself as strong as possible as you continue on with everything going on around you. If you can take a hour for painting - set a timer if you have to - I bet that would help too.
ReplyDeleteSending light and love to you, Elena. You are doing such a good job !!!
You're tired, Elena. And, yikes, we're never ready for all these dramatic changes in our lives. A good thing to let it out - you'll be okay. And just put your head on our shoulders. Prayers for Mama. ...and oh yes, I remember those "growing pains" years.
ReplyDeleteOh dear sweetheart. You needed to do this, you are exhausted, you've been on high alert for months now, just when you think everything is getting better--boom, here you go again! Like everyone said, crying is your body saying, I need a break, I need to cleanse, I need to release! Do not be embarrassed about this, your body needed it. It was a matter of time. So, please, when I ask how you are in our communications, please tell me, don't change the subject. I know where you are, I know how you feel, so talk with me. I ask because I understand what I would be feeling about now. Please take care and take a break when possible. Love you dear dear heart!
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