Hoarding

Trying to drown out the swirls of thoughts this morning

I sat down to write the Morning Pages

Many questions spilled out but alas no answers

I think my Morning Pages are broken

Afterwards I'll admit I was feeling a bit peeved and turned on the tv

Hoarders was on, the show that tries to help a person overcome their home's clutter

Well, clutter doesn't come close to the barrage of stuff these poor souls are living with

And I watched as a man's child was taken away by child services and an

artist whose husband was leaving because he was tired of being buried alive

They were at a crossroads; clean the clutter or else

From my vantage point I thought 'it's a no brainer'

And yet, I watched as these people continuously stopped the cleanup

Dragged things back out of the dumpster, pulled out broken pieces of stuff

And ran them back into their home

Unable to comprehend I thought to myself,

'how could that be worth more than losing who you love'

~

Then my mind countered with 

'yeah, Elena, how could holding onto stuff be worth more than what you could gain'

Looking around I thought, I don't hold onto clutter

I surround myself with things I love, and really attempt to keep the 'art stuff' contained

But I slowly realized this wasn't the stuff being referred to

The clutter I hold onto is that within

The 'rooms' within rival any clutter shown on Hoarders

My Morning Pages (MPs) had revealed that when I was 10ish

I had been whining that I didn't know what to do with my life

And that I was afraid I would die never knowing

I'm 44 and still whining about the same thing

I whined to the MPs that I was worried I would still be whining at 88

That's alot of whining

Too bad whining isn't an occupation

But it turns out I'm hoarding so many old and broken ways of thinking

that there's no room for the new and improved

The Artists Way is like the cleanup crew on Hoarders

it's pulling stuff out to the dumpster

and I'm dragging it back in

As I kick and scream about how important that old worry is to me

I sense those around me looking at me thinking

'how could that be worth more than what she can gain?'

And whoa, I got it!

I hadn't seen it before...I was lost in the clutter

Now I have to put on the gloves and start purging

I suspect it will be as dramatic as the show

but isn't the wonder of what may come when there's room...thrilling?

~

Seems the MPs weren't broken after all

Crazy Universe
(and sending a little prayer to the poor souls on the show to deal with an illness little understand)