On the Flip Side

 So y'all stood patiently by my side

as I dealt with my Mama's illness

(something I'll be eternally grateful for)

I risk sounding conceited here when I say

I was pretty proud at how I handled things

Well let me tell you 

I finally figured out that I was running on pure adrenalin

And when I took my Mama home

I crashed

It was like someone pushed me out of a plane without a chute

For the last week or two I've been asking hubby

what month, day, time it is

I have manifested body aches, sore throats

I refused to leave the house so missed several family parties

except for taking my Mama to the doc, I didn't want to see people

After all that's happened these past months

I lay there in a crumpled heap

feeling like life chewed me up and spit me out

like the walls were caving in and 

started to fall into the seductive routine

of a victimized way of thinking

But today

on a magical 7-11-11 day

(you know how special 1111 is to me)

It occurred to me with a chuckle

and a slap upside the head

"Idiot! You forgot what you've been saying!

Flip the switch - Look at it the other way around! "

And I finally realized that all that's happened these past months

Isn't making the walls fall upon me - threatening to bury me

The walls are falling away

I am moving on to another phase of life

a rebirth of sorts

There's no denying I experienced some pretty powerful stuff in that hospital

And there's no way I can move forward like if nothing happened

For now I just have to wait for the transition to settle down

And see what the new terrain holds for me

~ ~ ~
And if I'm misunderstanding this...who cares?
what's the worst that can happen?
I'll be stuck in an endless loop
like in an hourglass, or a dryer, or a popcorn maker, a cement mixer
(ok I'll stop)
Falling, hitting bottom, falling, hitting bottom

But atleast I'm moving
And I'm not a self-created victim
because I choose to feel 'on the flip side'