When I 'retired' a few years ago to leave the city and move to the country
I wondered what I would do with myself
I won't lie that it saddens me that I'm still wondering that same thing
I discovered spirituality and dabbled with drawing and painting
but the Passion is lacking and instead I feel as light and scattered
as a dry leaf in an Autumn wind
I stood there straddling two worlds
The old world of common sense, meetings, deadlines, hard facts
The new world of wonder, color, solitude, and endless questions
Greedily I wondered how to exist in both worlds
about a year ago
about a year ago
I came up with a plan to return to school to complete my degree
But instead of doing it the 'right way' I would pursue art just for the chance
at being around the creatives and learning basic techniques
I called several contacts asking if it mattered if my degree was in art
Unanimously the response was that with my experience
they didn't care what my degree was in
Sweet
I could play now but still return to 'the real world' when I was done
I thought I had it all figured out
Until my brother asked my Mama
'what's wrong with her-why does she want to waste money drawing monitos'
I stopped the silly dream
But secretly continued to pray for talent
But secretly continued to pray for talent
for a chance to create something that speaks to others
that inspires hope
or atleast gives them pause to see things in a different light
I've failed
So I'm taking a break from the prayer
putting away the silly notions
shutting the door to the studio for a while
setting the blog aside for a bit
and will try living like the rest of humanity
(the normals)
(the normals)
Gonna give it a try
A million people do it - it can't be that hard
I have nothing to lose
It may all result in my reaching into the closet and dusting off those suits
Or (gulp) becoming domesticated
Or having a great big art supply sale
Ok I don't have THAT many supplies! heehee
Besides who am I to inspire others
People don't need hope - it's already inside them
I have nothing to lose
It may all result in my reaching into the closet and dusting off those suits
Or (gulp) becoming domesticated
Or having a great big art supply sale
Ok I don't have THAT many supplies! heehee
Besides who am I to inspire others
People don't need hope - it's already inside them
Well, we only live once and I don't think you've failed. I just think your ready for a change. I've starte taking time for myself at least once a month. I'm going on dates with myself. I wish you luck in what you do. We'll be here when you come back. Good luck and hugs.
ReplyDeleteWe only get one shot at life you should do what ever makes you happy!
ReplyDeleteAh Elena, if only it were that simple......
ReplyDeleteIt is the feeling of uncertainty which is making you feel this way. Imagine if you will that we are 50 years into the future looking back at our lifes, what would you like to see?
Would you be saying "Oh I wished that I had done this? or "Oo! I am glad I didn't do that?. Who would you want to see there.
The difficulty is that when the spiritual hook has got itself embedded into your being, it is virtually impossible to shake loose, as I know from my own experience. It can be a curse or a blessing, we decide.
Our beings cry out for the greater knowledge and understanding and to find out who we truly are, all that keeps us back is a fear of failure. "Why doesn't the great spirit make it easier for me?" rings out in our heads......
The lessons we remember tend to be the hardest ones to achieve, consequently when we walk the spiritual path, the hard lessons form (eventually) a very solid foundation to build upon. A foundation not only for ourselves but a foundation where other seekers may find shelter and peace until they find their own way forward.
Don't try so hard, wearing out the brain with trying to figure out answers, when you are ready the answers will present themselves to you, very often in the simplest of ways.
Most importnatly, be at peace and be true to yourself, whatever you decide your path is!
Oh Elena! I wish you could see how truly talented you are. This is your life and those are your dreams. And, as Gloria says, you only go around once. You have the chance to do what makes you happy. Just do it! And block out the critics. All of us struggle along with our artwork, we are all the same inside. And you have such a gift to help others with your writing. You have been sharing this wonderful gift and it's something that's needed in this day and age. Think again...
ReplyDeleteElena, you need to quit listening to your physical family and listen to your *tribe* instead.
ReplyDeleteYou have more talent than I have seen in one person or I would not want to give you TIME~~the one thing that cannot be replaced.
You've been through a measure of hell, and just NEED A BREAK.
Spirituality is a practice--it will not leave you.
Art is a practice--IT will nit leave you.
I think perhaps you are leaving us so that we can't tell you the talents and gift you HAVE....without the world's approval.....
Sadly, I sign.....
XXOO~~
Anne
Well, I guess I can see going back to work if you need the money or you really miss doing it, but what I don't get is why you have to give up your art to do it or why you can't keep writing your blog. Can't you do art after work? Can't you write after work (or during like I do..teehee)? Yes, sometimes you've just got to stop trying to look for the big answers for a while. Sometimes you just have to take each day for what it is. But there is still beauty in every day. There are still small goals to be met and small triumphs to be won. If I focused so much on the bigger search and did not have each day to focus on and keep me going I would have eaten a bottle of sleeping pills a long time ago. Let the answers come instead of chasing them. Create small goals for the next day before you go to bed at night, and then the next morning just think about getting those done and enjoying THIS day. I think maybe I know what you're feeling and IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ALL OR NOTHING. People have told me, "Don't give up theater all together because you're never going to be on Broadway". Well, I would say the same to you about your passions.
ReplyDeleteI'm only telling you what everyone has been telling me. Don't give up. Don't despair. Take a break. Change your thinking. Change things up a bit. But, don't give up. HUGS.
i love what john said....
ReplyDeleteit's kind of like the couple who have tried for years to have a child, with no success, so they finally stop trying so hard and wha-la, a baby is on its way :)
"I won't lie that it saddens me that I'm still wondering that same thing"
ReplyDeleteHoney, honey, honey!!!! Stop WONDERING and DO!!! It's all about action. If you change your dreams to reality, the dry leaf feeling will go away and be replaced with a fresh green full of life feeling.
Don't do it like a job, do it like a game. Play! Create art for the sake of art. For the sake of Elena. Heck, your words are art and you have been creating beautiful, touching, valuable posts all this time. That's art!
Now apply that to the rest of your artistic endeavors.
"But secretly continued to pray for talent"
Whaaaaat???? That's like a dude standing in a pool asking for water. You have talent. You don't think you're being answered because there's nothing to give since you already have it!
And the end of this post????? I hear sadness, resignation, defeat. Those are not the emotions you want to follow with action. Now go back and re-read that end part. Starting with "Until my brother..." and right on through to the end. Read it again and again imagining each time that it was one of us, one of your tribe. What would you tell us? What would you say? Now turn that same caring, wise, loving advice around and give it to yourself.
oh and p.s. "People don't need hope - it's already inside them" this quote is from you as well. So where's yours hon? You need to take care of you.
Read all the messages prior to mine. YOu are loved and respected and supported and deserving. So many wise and wonderful friends here for you. Use us when you are in need. Call out for support. Read our words over and over until you feel it and know for yourself how worthy and talented you are.
Then.... after all is said and done, make some kick ass art, sell it for a shitload of money and stick it to your bro!!!!! Ha! Take that!
I know. Naughty aren't I? ;0)
Perhaps we need to redefine what "success" is. Perhaps we need to think about how it would feel if this was our last day on Earth, and how we would feel about the way we are living this one precius life at that moment. Perhpas we need to stop listening to what anyone else (especially brothers who obviously don't get us) have to say and listen to the deep down voice of our Soul saying "I need to create. I need to pray. I need to dance in rhythm with nature. I need to be in this world and soak it up and LOVE deeply.
ReplyDeleteScrew the perhaps, Baby. Let's get to it.
Be You, Beautiful Elena. That is enough.