Universe's sense of humor

I've had a great life

With the highs and lows all blending together like the secret ingredients

Of a specialized dish

And yet, there's always been the feeling that something is holding me back

Like I imagine those kids feel that wear the baby leashes

A feeling of, if I could only pull enough slack, I could reach further

Go, do, have...if only...

While my Mama was here I spent alot of time inside

I wandered and could feel that prickly sense of anticipation

Go, do, have...if only...

I assumed it was because I was caring for my Mama

~

Our washer died and off we went in search for a new one

Turns out there was a great deal on a washer and dryer

I wanted to know why

After hearing the explanation I said it was nothing other than their being red

They agreed

Funny thing is, the first time I saw these a year ago I thought WOW!

Now, here I was in a position to buy them and I wouldn't

Because they were red - Wild Cherry red

I thought to myself

 "damn - if only..."

 Then I stopped and feeling defiant I thought "why not?!"

Turning to face that which holds my leash in an attempt to pull more slack

Imagine my surprise when I find that nobody is holding my leash

 Turns out I hold my leash

I wrapped it around myself to hold in my wings

I wrapped it so tight I thought someone was holding the other end

And although I'm sure at some point there was an anchor on the other end

The end just lies there loose on the ground

Funny thing is that this realization loosened the grips just enough

for me to buy the Wild Cherry washer

~

This realization also brought some clarity

Caring for my Mama wasn't holding me back

Having a baby 13 years ago wasn't holding me back

Getting married twice wasn't holding me back

Nothing, nobody but me

I used procrastination and fear and plain avoidance

To pad the loops that bound me to my leash

Did you know it's hard to fail 

if you have something to blame for holding you back?

In an act of defiance towards self

I painted the white laundry room walls

my retinas were dilated for a week afterwards

 It's been a couple weeks since

And each time I fall into the familiar rut of if only...

I play domestic goddess and do a load of laundry

something about being in that room loosens the grips a bit more

Probably the defiance

A peek at the real me that lies beneath the self-imposed binds

Got that?

S-E-L-F   I-M-P-O-S-E-D

~

I had a teacher in college once who said I was talented

But that I was my worst critic and would hold myself back

~

I'm far from being a domesticated goddess

don't cook - clean because I have to

so I find it rather amusing that the Universe used a washer to deliver this message

Wild Cherry (washer) and Flaming Torch (paint)

rather fitting names for my new road signs, no?