There you are

On Halloween I watched a scary movie

Girl lays in bed, turns head and man-ghost is laying beside her

Girl runs to closet down the hall, man-ghost hidden in clothing in front of her

Girl locks self in bathroom, man-ghost standing behind her

This reminded me

~

When I used to say I want to run away, some people would tell me

'wherever you go, there you are'

And respectfully smiling, I'd wonder...What? I don't get it.

Of course wherever I go, I'll be there. What??

Is this like a trick math equation problem?.

Yeah, I'll be there but for now I'm here and I want to be there.

(insert raised eyebrow giving them strange look w/ slight smile- thinking 'nutjob')

But

BUT - BUT - BUT

I think I got it

In my case I wasn't running from a bad situation

The restlessness I felt had nothing to do with external conditions

I could be married 10x, change jobs 100x, move 1000x

I could try to drown the restlessness

Or surround myself nightly w/ head banging music at parties to deafen the yearning

Or flip through relationships like changing socks

Or demand the doctor look again because something's wrong

but I wasn't addressing the internal issues

the Me inside

so long as I chose to ignore Internal Me

nothing would ever change

'wherever you go, there you are'

now means

Wherever Physical Me goes, Internal Me follows

Damn

This would have been helpful if I had known an internal me existed

I know it now

I know that when I'm feeling restless that it's time to take a look

at what Internal Me is trying to tell me

Sounds like New Age hoopla or witchy-poo-isms, right?

It can't be that easy

Well, it's not. Trying to work with Internal Me is the hardest thing to do.

Sometimes I don't like what it's trying to tell me

Sometimes it's too damned scary and seems unattainable

But each time I follow Internal Me's guidance

I uncover clues and treasures; some hidden deeper than others

Sometimes I pray for a road map...or a translation book

A funny thing happens when I work with Internal Me

My external conditions seem to respond

I attract different friends or situations

My current surroundings don't seem as bleak

Doors open...and some close

No longer craving to silence the restless yearning
I listen and question what it is I really want

I tweak a little here or there

Like tuning in past the static to a favorite radio station

I lean a bit to the left and a bit to the right

Sometimes losing the signal all together

And banging my head against the wall

And as such I dance along to Life on my path

Armed with the knowledge that I'm not alone

~ ~ ~

By the way, here's the one step I took so far on my artistic quest

Used one of my favorite quotes

'Just when the caterpillar thought it was over it became a butterfly'

anonymous