Screwed Up

I was very angry at myself yesterday and although I'm still carrying some of the anger I feel saddened. We ventured out to a family BBQ for the holiday celebrations. It was nice to see so many people. Since moving out here I find that I sometimes miss people and the noise. But that's quickly dealt with by a quick drive into Orland or Chicago. Then I'm making a quick retreat to my sanctuary.

The BBQ was nice but my mind was starting the little nagging/doubting that I hate so. I met a couple new people who have joined the University since I stopped working there. At first it was cool to hear the stories of the daily goings-0n but then I started to really miss it. I started to kick myself for having quit. I really should learn to control my temper better. Instead of giving them the "oh yeah, watch me, I quit" perhaps I should have...No, No, I made the right decision. I hope. Yes, I did. I've discovered a creative side and I've bonded with my son. We wouldn't have bought this house if I still worked there. So, it was a good sacrifice. But I've yet to find my way.

Anyway, this was all rolling around in my head and the comments came up again about my having issues with people and others asking what I do now and why wasn't I drinking anymore and I really miss my son who is in California with his dad on vacation, and the guilt and pity overwhelmed me. I started drinking with them and although I've never had a drinking problem I have always been afraid of becoming an alcoholic like my dad.

Needless to say I had a horrible headache and stomach ache yesterday. I didn't eat anything and just lay on the couch. I was angry that I gave in to the guilt and pity but worse that I took the coward's way out of stifling these emotions. Sure there's nothing wrong with a drink or two or more so long as it doesn't interfere with my life. I wasted a day. Sunday was shot. I think what makes me angry and sad is that I thought I had dealt with these feelings but apparently they're still there.

I do want to thank those of you who comment on my blog and Artists Way. Without you I would still think something was wrong with me for not thinking how others do. I had so many people always telling me something was wrong with the way I thought that I believed it. You can't imagine how thrilled I am when I read other bloggers who think like I do. I know my family thinks I'm nuts and wonder what's wrong with me and what I'm searching for. I like to tell them it's because I was the only one not breast-fed :)

Anyway, I don't know what I'm searching for. I truly don't. I just follow the restlessness and see where it leads. But I can't give in to the temptation of quick fixes. One day I hope to be strong enough that comments don't send me reeling backwards.

But for now, I screwed up and wasted a day (teeth grinding here) and now I'm heading out to plant the flowers who've been wondering where I've been.