I brought my Mama home yesterday
She looked a bit weak and very thin
Insisted on wheeling herself to the door as I loaded flowers
She was stopped by the nurses who thought she was trying
to make a great escape
The amount of iron and pain pills they have her on has made her ill
So she has spent most of the day sleeping
I won't get into the specifics except to say that it blows my mind
This role reversal
I want to cuddle up to her and find comfort
But instead I try to make light of the fact that she needs me
For things that she would find humiliating
If it weren't that I'm acting like I do this all the time and finding humor in it
For her sake
As for me; I think I've been holding my breath all day
Wishing I could make her better
In the interim sending orders to the siblings via text on what we need
And thanking God that this is a temporary illness
and not something oh-so-bad
And yet I feel lost; not sure if what I'm doing is right or wrong
So much like I felt when I brought my son home 13 years ago
But all in all...I'm good
I'm calm...which surprises me
Tried to feed, then cleaning when it's unsuccessful, and waiting waiting waiting
Not sure for what
Just waiting
But throughout this setback today
The house is very quiet as I try to let her sleep
That is all except for the occasional knocking coming from somewhere near her room
I can't find the source; it sounds as if it's coming from the basement or closet door
Whatever it is
Best stay on that side of the door
Last night as I slept on the couch
to be near her room
I dreamt of two mating tigers
(no freudian interpretations hee hee)
They were surreal with an ethereal glow
And I was thrilled to know that soon
they would birth a strong tiger cub
Odd to say
That dream brought me a huge sense of peace and comfort
Figures
Only I would find serenity in sexual tigers
(bwah-ha-ha)
Is it odd to say I feel like things are changing
Like the atmosphere during a weather shift?
That shift from being the child to being the caregiver is really a tough one (at least for some of us!). I had a hard time with it when my mom was showing signs of dementia and becoming very child-like. Luckily, we never got to the point of dealing with all the "undignified" stuff and when we got even close we ended up having some great laughs!! But I know that yearning to curl up by her and be comforted is soooooo strong---and natural too!! She's been your mama for all these years!!! But you are a wonderful daughter and a strong person and you'll wade thru it all and do it well. I know you will. Hang in there and I hope your mama gets well soon!!! (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteWhat a heart warming post. You should have a Poster outside your home "LOVE AT WORK"!
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful post, dear Elena, with such great wisdom and thoughts. And that dream - the first thing I thought was that something beautiful and strong is being born from all this. Change is coming and it is good! Much love to you!! Silke
ReplyDeleteTo begin with I'd like to say I love what John said about the poster "LOVE AT WORK". You truly do deserve a poster saying that because all that you are doing is about love, not just taking care of your mom, but everything you are doing. This is your year of love.
ReplyDeleteIt is a huge shift and I know how difficult and confusing it feels. Sometimes you will be able to sneak in a hug or a cuddle. I did, I would stroke my mom's hair and tell her I loved her and wanted her to be well. She always enjoyed it and seemed to just settle into my hug and hug back. Since then, those hugs and cuddles and strokes are normal everyday things.
Your dream is very powerful--The child in you being born from two very strong, powerful, meaningful creatures during an act that is so natural, pure, raw, and instinctual. The strength of who you are is coming out during this period of shift. Be strong, be instinctual, be who you are--you know what I mean. All will be well and your mom will get stronger with your care and nurturing. She is comfortable now and can rest in your care. I love you deeply and your mom means more than you know to me. I am with you in spirit and soul.
I understand the need to be close to someone when they are ill. I stayed on the couch outside my mother-in-law's room when she had angioplast surgery because it made me feel better! I love that you are so loving. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love to you and your Mama. Hugs Karen
ReplyDeleteOh Elena, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mama. What a good daughter you are and you are doing a fine job of caring. We all can see that - us who have taken care of our mamas.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I caught the old version and then this changed one. Taming the wild beast are you? ;O)
ReplyDelete