Pushy Universe keeps lessons coming...

I've been a bit restless

Being confronted with my Mama's broken tibia and fibula

And a torn rotator cuff making it difficult to use a walker

Not so much because of the injuries but because of what they uncover

We were a tight family with clear cut dynamics

The eldest brother you went to for advice; the sage

The eldest sister you went to for help; the caregiver

Leaving me and my other sister to flutter around under the radar

Then my dad died and the dynamics were shot to hell

Over misunderstandings on how to handle my dad's assets

No will. It being handled as it is in Mexico. You tell the eldest.

He told the eldest daughter.

The family splintered and my Mama was heartbroken.

I'm the youngest and finally called a family meeting and spoke up

The dynamics changed; I wanted to keep fluttering under the radar

But instead was flung to the other end

It's something we don't speak about; what happened back then

But with my Mama sick, I'm noticing the same stirrings in the eldest sister

The resentment, the anger, still twitches under the surface

~

I have always dreaded becoming a caregiver to someone

I hated being left alone with my dad when he was ill

Dreaded the thought of being asked to care for my mother-in-law

but I didn't think twice when I offered to take my Mama home

Perhaps because I don't consider her to be ill; just a temporary disability

And the fears I have of somehow hurting her don't seem too bad

Even my fear of starving her is counteracted by the knowledge

that she'll be teaching me along the way

I haven't quite dealt with the dread of the visitors that will be coming

The group of cousins who thrive on telling me how fat I've become

With that little smirk and glint in their eye

As if I didn't already know it; and heard it from them before

I wonder if I have to let them in

Funny that just knowing what's coming has had me eating things I normally don't

Doughnuts and candy

(And I thought I wasn't an emotional eater, ha!)

While unconsciously fretting over this, I happened across an old post

And realized this is all part of the lesson of learning to love myself

It's ok that my role has changed within the family; it's ok to take charge

It's ok that I'll care for my Mama and it's ok that I don't know how to cook

It's ok that I've gained weight because I think this caring for someone

will teach me how to care for myself

I called a family meeting and told them we need to talk and plan

They've agreed (whew!)

All proving that I'm just being pushed past my comfort zone

And it's ok that I still want to keep the snakes out of my house

But I will no longer hold the resentment and anger at their words

~

“God allows us to experience the low points of life

in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way.

The way we learn those lessons is

not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.”

Stanley Lindquist

That word that picked me for the year, LOVE, sure means business

~