Magnified View

(view out hospital window - not sure what the white and grey shadows are

since there are no trees outside and the sky was a solid grey)

 

Please understand I mean no disrespect to my Mama

when I say that illness is intriguing

It has a way of stripping aside all the masks we wear

And leaving our true nature's exposed

And this is by no means an egotistical remark

When I say I have discovered that the mask I hide behind

Is one of 'not enough'

For so long I have worn the masks of

 'too sensitive'  'too weak ' 'too inexperienced'

That they somehow fused to my true self until I believed them to be true

Illness has a way of making those masks fall away

And we're left standing looking at Truth

Those I looked up to as strong; those I wished to be like

Are suddenly left without their masks and I see Fear

Or I should say I see fear on their retreating figures

And I find myself a bit uncomfortable when I see the strength I truly AM

Illness magnifies the senses

I've seen Fear magnify in my brother and sister

But my sister hasn't let it keep her away

My brother hid; until I reached out and told him this is not the time

I made him take the night shift last night

I think it'll be good for him to confront his Fear of losing Mama

Illness has magnified my sixth sense

I think that's why I had the rare gift of being able to experience

what my Mama was experiencing

And I've noticed that since my little bout of anger the other day

There's a new relationship with the doctors

One of mutual respect

But yesterday

After being there for 24 hours with a two hour interrupted nap

My uncle and aunt arrived with a couple cousins

I had to stand and get the brunt of the tongue lashing

Accusing me of being at fault

For putting my Mama in rehab then taking her so far away

from family and friends

I tried to explain I didn't do either

They stated she is not leaving with me

And I took it

And wanted to cry

On the drive home I fought to stay awake

Wondering why their words hurt so much

And I realized it's because I was so tired

Then I laughed

Remembering that this is the group I spoke about

When I said I didn't want them to visit my home

Because they delighted in calling me fat

It's just their Fear talking

As their masks fell away

~

When I arrived Friday morning

my Mama looked horrible and my sister near tears

My Mama had asked that we summon her siblings

Said it was her time

I went to the hall and cried a bit and my final masks fell away

I came in and as gently as possible chastised my Mama

"You are giving up" I said "No amount of medicine will help if you give up"

Turns out a doc had said it was in her blood

I couldn't figure out how

So I consulted with the specialists who looking confused

said no way

I had them tell her in Spanish that it was not; and I saw hope in her eyes

I told them that having heard the other doc say it was in her blood

had made her quit

They told her to fight

Yesterday she looked a bit better

Some swelling has gone down; some pain has receded

You hear that words and thoughts have power

I have seen the truth in that statement

~ ~
I honestly don't know if she'll make it
She's 83 and weak
The infection has resisted one antibiotic
And they've introduced a new one which seems to be working
Time will tell I suppose

But This, right now,
This moment is true fertile ground.