Lost Soul?

The problem with self-discovery is that eventually you uncover something
you don't want to see
Something I'd rather bury like a cat in a litter box
But if hard times contain valuable experiences, those 'golden nugget' moments
Then what do the ugly moments hold?

I'm physically tired but now my soul is weary
I put everything I had in making sure my Mama wouldn't give up
That I think my soul left; I feel empty

And in its place was left an unfamiliar ugliness
My Mama seems to be winning the battle against the infection
She is more alert and funny
There are still some problems but I feel those are minor fires to be put out
And I am thrilled and relieved to see that it is enough to inspire her to keep the fight

Instead of relishing in the thrill that she will soon be home
Ugliness made its presence know
It whispered that I will need to change diapers and make pureed foods
that make my stomach turn
It whispered that I will not sleep as I listen for breathing changes or a faint call
It whispered of cleaning rituals and medicines and doctor visits
It whispered that I will be responsible and there is no nurse call bell
And in a maniacal laugh it said I'll do this 24 hours a day for 7 days
And I felt myself pushed backwards into a dark dank well
Where the last sound I heard was the shackle clamped around my ankle

Praying that she continue improving all while shouting to the ugliness to shut up
I hang my head; I am ashamed
Saturday I left my brother and sis in charge to wait for the doc
Telling them I was finally going home to eat and enjoy the warmth
Fully intending to jump on the motorcycle; instead I lay on the couch
with a blanket on my head and slept with dreams of running away
When hubby came home from work in the evening he wanted to vent
Instead I replied, quit whining
When son called from his dad's house I told him to stay longer and quit whining
I just wanted to be left alone
And I was ashamed

The well seemed deeper
I could hardly make out the light way up high
And the ugliness whispered
That everyone else gets a break at work; they don't have the responsibility
They can drop by for a visit and it makes them feel they've contributed
But once they feel uncomfortable, they can drive away
And I started feeling bitter
And I am ashamed

And I desperately tried to find a foothold
Feeling around the well's walls all I find is sliminess
Every night I dream of jumping off a cliff and it feels wonderful
It feels freeing
And by day I walk around with a lump in my throat
I don't understand and I am ashamed

In a tiny glimmer of light that lit the walls within my well
I saw the voice
And discovered it was Ego all along
It had grown so large that I almost didn't notice Fear lurking behind it
They've taken up so much room at the bottom of the well I hardly fit
I don't know where my Soul went; perhaps I can't see it in this light

But awareness is always key
I know what's in the well with me now
And I'll be still for a moment as I try to figure my way out
I thought of not sharing the ugliness
But doing so shines more light on it
And perhaps will coax my Soul out of hiding
And uncover the most valuable lesson of all

Because ultimately this is for my Mama
and not about me at all
Because in most good movies Love triumphs over evil
And it's all I've got right now

~ ~
But in case you see my Soul wandering about
could you please send it home