Sleepy Thoughts

I promise this is going to come out convoluted

Have you scratching your head, eyes averted, nervously giggling

Wondering if I finally went over the edge

Baffled

Chalk it up to 3 hours sleep

I was thinking...

When it's really quiet and your mind isn't competing against external distractions

And you really listen

You start noticing some things

It was as if I was standing on a large plateau looking back upon the journey

The life up to now

And all the seemingly insignificant stuff; all the little details

That seemed like loose threads

Suddenly made sense

They were like little snippets of what would come further down the road

It was like nothing, not one iota, was a waste of time

As if I had gathered these seemingly-useless morsels

and tossed them into my backpack for later use

And then I noticed the moments where I'd made judgments

Asssumptions based on nothing but false perceptions

Things that the Universe decided to turn into lessons

And what lessons they became;

like judging a whole race because of my brother's death

judging the stay-at-home Moms because of one suburb

stating I didn't like people because of those I'd been surrounded by

Leaving me to suddenly wonder what else I've judged

that hasn't become a lesson yet

and realizing it's

Me

I've brutally judged myself and this year seems to be about that lesson

It's as if the Universe is out to prove me wrong

And as I blinked in the darkness

I had an image of me sitting on that plateau with an open backpack

Saw all the loose bits of stuff still gathered there

like pieces of a puzzle

waiting their turn to fit in just the right moment
Like Indiana Jones
pulling the key from his bag that fits the locked door he eventually faces

Nervously looking ahead wondering what I'd face

And I remembered what the nurse had said as I finished my stress test yesterday

"He pushed you way past your comfort zone because he knew you could handle it"

I told her I would have quit when my heart rate reached 100

They pushed me to a comfortable 190

And I mentally smiled

Knowing the Universe is pushing me past my comfort zone

And I can handle it

~ ~

So is it just me thinking this way?

Should I get some sleep?