Need Lifeline!

I've learned quite a bit from my little disagreement with the condo neighbor

That although every molecule in my body wants to punch him in the nose

That holding in the anger doesn't necessarily mean I'm a marshmallow

That there is a middle ground where I can use the emotion to fuel the fight

I have all the paperwork in hand

Bylaws, inspection reports, emails

I went to village hall on a whim to see if they had construction drawings

I found the detail that proves that the neighbor's complaint is structural

And not my concern

I'll stay on the middle ground here as our dance continues

But going to village hall started a whole new dance

Sitting in the building department and feeling 'that vibe'

And unrolling the prints which unleashed that glorious blueprint smell

(I had them stuck to my nose, took in a big whiff,

saying 'Can't you smell it?' when I noticed the look on hubby's face)

Pouring over the elevation drawings and deciphering the code

And finding the piece of the puzzle

Had my adrenalin rushing

I miss work

As happy as I was to find what I needed

I also left with a lump in my throat

I'm trying to listen to my guidance

That internal barometer

That will supposedly guide me in what I'm to do next

Instead I think it's stuck or broken

I love that I have been given the chance to find another way of life

Having connected to my creative and spiritual sides are priceless

I know I'm not going to be a full time monk or shaman

I know I'm not going to move to Taos and sell art full time

I know I don't want to work as a nurse or doctor or even in a clinic

I know I don't want to go back to work in an environment

where people think their petty complaints are crucial to life

I know what I don't want

I just don't know what I do want

What I do find fascinating is that when I pursue something I'm interested in

it eventually reaches a point where I know I never want to do it again

Or I love it and think this just may be it

And the barometer starts to send little signals to my brain

saying 'there's something more'

Do you know how much I hate those three words

Hee hee

And yet, how can you hate something that propels you to further exploration

It's like I'm cooking a great big dinner

Adding in a bit of this and a bit of that

With no idea of what I'm making

And you know how much I hate cooking

Why can't I be content like other people

It reminds me of leaving the city in a traffic jam

Driving next to so many different people and vehicles

The further I go the more vehicles exit the expressway

Until it gets to the point that there are only a few of us on the road

That's how I feel

Like I wish I was getting off the road with a destination in mind

Instead I get off and right back on because I need to go further
Why

~ ~ ~ ~

I watched as they removed my Mama's cast yesterday

only to reveal that the bones are slightly bent

and they had to straighten them some more

It was hard to see her in so much pain

Life is like that

Just when you think things are progressing nicely

Something comes along to crack it again

 ~ ~ ~ ~

Is there such a job that involves blueprints, spirituality and creativity?

 Perhaps my job is to question....EVERYTHING

So if you're still with me

Is 43 too old to try to recreate yourself

Should I just coast through the remainder of my life and wait till the next one?
The Universe should really let us take a peek at our life blueprint
to find a clue when we lose our way