Painful Realization; Raw Truth

I know I'm repeating this story

Sitting with my two girlfriends during a teen summer evening

I listened as they woefully recounted

the bad treatment from the latest boyfriend

I've always been too blunt for my own good

Not purposely; I mean no harm; just speak the truth as I see it

I told them if they were tired of being treated like crap to stop what they were doing

They turned and stared, not understanding

I told them that in both cases they had only known the guy for a week or two

Already they were buying the guys clothing, jewelry, blankets, pillows

And in both cases they knew those guys were already in relationships

"But they're so nice to me", was the standard response

"I would be too if you were giving me stuff"

Glancing at their stunned faces, I closed my mouth, hoping they got it

Instead they both turned to me and said almost in unison

"You don't understand because you've always been skinny"

What? What the heck does my weight have to do with anything?

I was told I could have anyone I wanted

I told them they were full of crap

"Change the type of guy you go after; change the pattern", I countered

Patterns

Not the pretty repeated designs

but those recurrent ways of behavior

When I was young I used to read about the risk of patterned behavior

I worried that being exposed to alcoholism, child, domestic and sexual abuse

meant I was doomed from the start

the secrecy taught me shame and a desperate need to stay below the radar

so as not to be noticed

Any desire to leave the neighborhood was met with peer disapproval

I was given to understand that I should stay and repeat the pattern

whatever we were born into was the way

I went so far as picking an abusive boyfriend

who like his dad enjoyed belittling; and I thought it was normal

The first (and only) time he slapped me I figured I'd take it

Instead I lashed back 

It was enough to teach me that I didn't have to follow any patterns

I was free to be whatever I wanted to be

Going back home to visit my Mama
One look at the faces of the little gangbangers

or the girls with the young kids

or the bowed solemn faces of the wives keeping secrets
Reminds me of the stronghold patterns have

~ ~

Frustrated with my boobs and muffin top competing for the same space on my body

I decided to focus on my weight

It lasted two days

Instead of chastising myself I took a good hard look

I was repeating a pattern

Not just a failed weightloss attempt but one that deals with avoidance

A "hush keep quiet, look the other way, don't make waves" type of pattern

A "don't fail because you'll get the crap kicked out of you" type of pattern

turns out I apply this pattern to everything I do

artistic endeavors, weightloss, cooking

I can't fail, I might be noticed

and just like I was able to see the silliness in my girlfriends' behavior

I suddenly saw the silliness in mine

I have failed before and didn't get the world's attention

I blurt everything to y'all and I haven't spontaneously combusted

So I say to myself

"Change the pattern"

Because some patterns can be detrimental to growth
They sneak around and encourage excuses and justifications

Changing is going to be extremely difficult

It's something I've been doing subconsciously for 43 (almost 44) years

but a gut feeling tells me if I can get control of it

it's going to be as if a damn burst

just like the rousing I received with that first slap

I can see this leading to me stepping out of my own way

For now I have to acknowledge that I need structure
to keep me aware of my habits

and need to make a daily list of things to do

so I don't fall into the avoidance pattern of 'all is good, don't make waves'