My Dog told me....

My fur-babies, Jazz and Sparky, are both shelter dogs

Jazz is 3 and weighs 86 lbs

Sparky is 1 and weighs 43 lbs

both are Lab mixes, both have webbed toes

both are afraid of the water

When walking them on the leash in public

Jazz can be pretty intimidating

Her size, the muscles writhing beneath the skin, and deep throated growl

the look on her face, the set of her jaw

as she pulls towards whatever caught her attention

is enough to make my skin crawl

Sometimes she accidentally pulls out of her collar

in a panic, I think she's going to attack

and instead she turns to look at me with a look of total fear

and runs to hide behind my legs

as in "What?! Are you crazy woman! Why did you let me go?!"

As soon as I slip the collar back on she steps ahead

and resumes her position of intimidation

She's all talk

(but shhhh, don't tell her that, she's my brave girl)

And last night a thought crossed my head

Pets behave like their owners

And I'm like Jazz

~

When I was working I used to dream of being free

Having to get ready for a 1.5 hr commute one way

Made me want to scream

Knowing that I loved my job but hated the idiots, just made it worse

And knowing that after a bad day I still had that commute

and a bag full of homework and more meetings made me want to run away

I used the commute time to dream

to dream that if I were free I would...

learn to paint, learn to draw

travel wherever I wanted

spend time with my family

explore

read, read, read

ride my motorcycle everywhere

(it's probably what Jazz thinks as she pulls 'if I didn't have this collar I would...) 

And during an episode of pure rage

(not being dramatic I truly was 'spit-fire mad')

I threw down my papers during a meeting with the boss

told him I quit and when he said I couldn't

I said watch me and stomped out

(ok, it was dramatic...but oh so satisfying when I called them glorified 'bleep')

So I was free of my collar

And like Jazz I ran and hid

behind the legs of Ms. Justification

She's so cool; she protects me from the dangers that lie ahead

She reaches down and pats my fearful head and says

"It's ok honey, you can't do those things because...

.... you have lots of time but not enough money"

... you aren't smart enough"

.... you aren't talented enough"

.... you're too old to change now"

... you don't have time for playing you need to clean"

... you should be ashamed you're mooching off the hubby"

...poor hubby"

.... you should behave, you're a mom, act your age"

.... you can't do that"

and I look up at her grateful for the protection and a place to hide

and thinking it's the answer to my fears I look at the Help Wanted ads

craving the protection of a 'career collar'

because then I won't need Ms. Justification

I'll have Ms. Career who can tell me I can't do those things because there's no time

vicious circle

one I didn't know I was in

Until laughing at Jazz' antics and realizing I was laughing at my own

~

Great awareness as I begin reading the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron

awareness is key