Seeing the Light

First I want to say thank you for your comments and emails in response to the previous posts
I try to respond to each of you personally either through email or your blog
If I haven't, I will
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I've been noticing how I talk to myself

ok not out loud; more like those naggy voices in my head

and I'm finding out that I can be pretty brutal

the funny thing is that as soon as I realized this

instead of being compassionate

I instead chastised myself for being mean to myself

which only made me laugh

As I distanced myself from this I realized 

that those voices actually sounded like people I know

the teacher who says God will punish you, you're going to hell

or my sister in law who says I'm a snot-nosed kid who will be left alone

or the aunt who says I must be sick I'm so skinny

and now says wow you're fat

and on and on and on 

Turns out none of those voices are really me

turns out I have let what a select few say override all the praise  

I've let them poison my thinking and in turn have used it as a whip

It's what's been behind my thinking I'm not good enough

Not worthy, inferior, or whatever else it regurgitates

And I was doing it subconsciously

I wondered how in the world I could banish them 

wondered how any good could possibly grow in this ground

where the bad acts like a weed ready to choke anything out

Then it occurred to me it's not so bad

I recognize it now

And I can choose to let it envelop me in an act of self-pity

or I can enjoy the gift they present

because in seeing them for what they are 

I can instead value the contrast of what I truly am

I'm none of those things

The light within me shines much brighter when seen against this background

Being able to stand tall against the bad

Just proves my strength

And I welcome the gift they gave

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We are each gifted in a unique and important way. 

It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.  

~Mary Dunbar