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It is not my intention to offend anyone with my posts. In the past I've heard that I can be rather blunt but that comes from hating when people sugar-coat or twist the truth. I forget not everyone wants to know the truth (according to me! HA!).
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Anyway, this blog is truly for me to track my growth. I greatly appreciate the comments because it helps in that growth. Someone said I was brave to expose myself this way. Not necessarily. I went through a depression in '89 and all I could think of was ways to take my life after being put on antidepressants. I thought they were supposed to keep you from being depressed. Isn't that why they're called ANTI? Apparently I was on the completely wrong track because I was sent one of those wake up calls. I got pregnant and had to be taken off the meds. It was truly a miracle - considering I had tried for 8 years and even afterwards the docs said they couldn't explain why I got pregnant with the extent of endo on my ovaries. Yep, Divine intervention. Apparently I wasn't supposed to be planning my demise. And so, no, I'm not being brave. If someone is going through the same things I went through and happens to come across my blog and see that there actually is hope....well then, it's worth the exposure. The single most point I remember throughout my life is the loneliness. How you can be around people and still be lonely. I'm much better at that since taking up drawing and researching spirituality. Now I just have to stick with it! Can you imagine what I would have missed if I were gone? Whew, glad that's over. Bad mojo.
Speaking of spirituality, I've run into a major roadblock. I've talked about being a non-practicing Catholic but being the most spiritual I've ever been. I truly believe now and still pray and talk to God in my own way. Problem is, my son's dad and I had an argument about it yesterday. He's started going back to Church and said I need to do the same. But I can't. It's not enough - although I do go with mom if a mass is said for my brother or dad. I was pretty much ignoring his yelling until his last statement "You're going to screw him up". He stomped off then but the seed was planted. Am I really screwing up my son? We talk about God and Angels but it's usually if we're walking in the woods or watching the clouds or birds. That's where I feel Spirit. I love churches but I usually get caught up admiring the architecture more than I pay attention. I'm learning more each day about religions but perhaps not fast enough. And so at this very moment my plan is to talk to my son more about what I learn. He will still attend mass with his dad and get the non-conventional spiritual talks from me. Perhaps not the best way but it's all I know right now. Perhaps I will screw him up. But I'm also standing my ground. I refuse to give in to my ex every time he yells. I won't be intimidated anymore. That's a good lesson to teach my son. He saw me getting yelled at and this was the first time he didn't blame me for making his dad mad. Progress!
MOMS, if you have any advice I would greatly appreciate it!
I'm not a mom, but I am a child who didn't really ever go to church. I think I turned out pretty well. My beliefs are a little broader than any one religion, but I know that I am free to believe in what I want. My spirituality isn't inside a church, it never was. Even when my mom did eventually take me and my siblings I found I didn't really enjoy it. I eventually hated being forced to go and would run away. Now no one in the immediate family attends church regularly anymore.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel screwed up. In fact it feels good to know that I have a choice about what I want to believe and that different ways of believing were presented to me, even if they didn't become my own. Its allowed me to become a very open minded person, and I think that open mindedness allows me understand people better. I don't have to agree with everyone, but not agreeing with them doesn't mean they aren't still people.
sorry all my comments are so long. I feel like I'm invading your blog :(
Oh Stevie, great big hug to you. I really needed to hear that kids can't be screwed up while their parents still seek to create themselves. And I LOVE your long posts. Keep 'em coming.
ReplyDeleteElena, When I was young, growing up with my German mother and grandmother, we attended our Lutheran church regularly. Being young, I guess I just went or maybe times were different then. I do feel that did instill in me my love of God and nature. I took my children when they were young too. Now the boys do not go, but my daughter does, not all the time, but she loves to go when she does. I go occasionally. I too love churches. Not so much the people. Not the social part of it. I just love the ambience. I cry at favorite hymns. Familiar pieces of art or statues move me. These days, as I walk the steps or the paths at The Center is where I feel I am closest to my spirituality. I am there several times a week and each time I feel as though I am in church. I try to live my life the best I can and I feel that's "okay". I should go to vespers there. (4 pm on Sundays) It's casual and it's where I feel closest to God. I think you're doing just fine, Elena. You're teaching your son about the kindness and gentleness in art and nature. That's where God is.
ReplyDeleteSupport, looking for support from you it sounds like the Ex is trying to show your son a good way. And has some expectation of how he wants it all to play out and the plans got a little messed up and your not following them and the yelling sounded like the last resort to get you to cooperate with the plan. But then I'm the mom that gave in to outside pressures when I felt the strongest in the spirit of all living things. We stop going to church for out family when it was fight to just get there and I thought it wasn't what GOD was about so we stopped and continued on to a path of spirituality instead. There's no right or wrong way to beleive in a power of greaterness. Some need a week routen and other have it happening all the time all around them in the people faces or the bird that lands on the bird feeder. Work with the compassion of the supporting the ex spouse on his choice and then asking that of him of your choice and it teaches you son more then you will ever now. Peace lady you doing what is best and right for you and you son. I can tell you loads to share about your inner strenghts.
ReplyDelete~v~laura
Elena, I believe that there are so many paths to God, and we each find the one that works for us. You are not screwing up your son by helping him see that whatever path he chooses is the right one. Expose him to many things. Help him to understand that he doesn't need anyone to help him speak with God. Teach him how to be a good and caring person. He will learn one way in the church he attends, but it is only one way. God, if we open our hearts, speaks to all of us where we are. You are doing a wonderful thing by sharing your spiritual path with him. You are also doing a wonderful thing by standing up for yourself and saying, "I am alright and I can make these decisions for myself. I am a good mother and it is good that my son sees more than one path." Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteHi Elena,
ReplyDeleteI so support you on your path. It seems very true and authentic to you. I was raised catholic but after eighth grade stopped going (when chaos developed in family-long story). So I sought art and writing and playing the piano and they were my spiritual haven and how I survived (without outside support). I've often thought about writing a story about that - creativity saved my life.
I got my masters in counseling (almost) and also sought counseling for my own issues. I was also on anti-depressant for several months and felt I became "artificial-that goes for my feelings and emotions. Rather than mindlessly accepting this zombie like existence, I bucked this system and turned to spirituality and creativity. It does heal. I love your honesty and reflections here on your life path. You are an inspiration to others and so glad you share yourself here. I am honored to be a witness on your journey.
Blessings.
P.S. I don't have kids but I love your relationship with your son. Open, honest and loving!
Bev
I too grew up Catholic through grade school and high school. Then I fell away.
ReplyDeleteI became a Lutheran after I married my late husband and started back to Church when my daughter was born. I made sure she went to Church until she was confirmed and then again, I was lax in my Church going.
Seven years ago a new Pastor came to our Church and some how he moved me to come back to God. Its like a light bulb went off in my head. That Pastor is now gone but I have remained as a God loving person.
I believe that Christ is my savior and that he died for my sins.
My daughter does not go to Church unless its with me on occasion. I pray that she returns to Church on her own. You can force children to go to Church, but they will believe in their own time.
Elena,
ReplyDeleteWhat is frightening, is without spiritual guidance, children venture off into cults and mindsets that are potentially very harmful. One doesn't need be in church to know that God is with him, but if one doesn't know God is with him...there are traps and lairs for the novice. I go faithfully, I would go more than once a week if it were easy to do...I always find Him there.