I just couldn't do it....

I just couldn't do it....throw away my record player. Pitiful, huh. We've been clearing the basement and I've been moving this particular box around in the hopes I'd never have to actually open it. Well, it was time this morning. The garbage truck is coming today and this is my chance. I was brave, I put the speakers in the garbage bag, even put my records in, and lifted the record player and.....couldn't do it. I stood there holding the darned thing remembering dancing on the bed to Madonna's "Like a Virgin-whoo whoo whoo" and I was! Then how could I forget the Monkees! I was going to be Mrs. Davey Jones or Mrs. Mickey (Davey was a floozy).

I was so shy in school and didn't really have many friends so this made me feel cool. My sister bought it for me and my brother bought the records. These gifts replaced my dolls. Ugghh.....but I'm trying to let go of the past. And I was brave and stuffed everything into the bag..........and took it out again. It's all sitting in a box hiding in a corner of the basement.

As I shamefully walked up the stairs I noticed the other pile. That pile ties me to my previous marriage. There are the wedding pictures and the happy family pictures before all went downhill. There's the memory box of my son's baby things. I can't deal with these piles. I'm getting better though. I was able to put them on shelves for future sorting. I even opened a few but I still get that tightening feeling around my heart. The one where it feels like you forgot how to breathe and your heart skips a beat. These particular piles seem to be branded FAILURE. But having my son around when I do sort through these may make it easy to do so. He saw one picture and said "Ma, NO WAY! were you ever THAT skinny" or the "Boy, you really let yourself go" How rude! But he's right and these were delivered with a grin so how could I argue?

Then my eyes fell on the OTHER pile. This one is not so big but contains all my work manuals and tools of the trade. Considering I quit because they pissed me off I swing between PRIDE and FAILURE. I'm better with this one though. I see that as dumb as it may be to quit a job that pays extremely well, I do feel proud when my son says "Ma, you stood up for yourself". Costly lesson :). I'll keep this pile for another year or so. I'll decide then if I'm returning to that field.

There's one little childhood pile. And looking at it makes me happy so my husband wouldn't let me dispose of these. My Nancy Drew book collection and mismatched play dishes. These are well worn and holding one brings back lots of memories.

I make it sound like we didn't do a good job cleaning the basement, huh? And I prided myself in not being a horder. HA! But I do find it interesting that I have these little mementos of life timelines. I'm curious what I'll be looking through years from now that represent my current timeframe.

My goal is to release the items that bring me down. My head can do a fine enough job without constant reminders. But for now, I can't.

There's always next garbage day.