I've been thinking alot about time
As in past, present, future
As in longing to do things differently in the past
That perhaps would set me on a different course in the future
And you know what that does...sets me off course
Takes me off center; off balance
But then the thinking took an odd turn
Remembering how thin and healthy I used to be
Pretty? I don't think I'm ready to ever say (or think) that
But I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I ran past the other day
And I thought....HOLY CRAP! Who the hell is that?!
I've become THAT woman
The one we used to see crossing the street on our way to party
The one in mismatched, oversized clothes
Hair grabbed into a helter skelter ponytail
Drooped shoulders, tired eyes, graying hair
Let's not even mention boobs and shorts below the knee
in a desperate attempt to cover the vericose veins
with the faded shadows that hinted at long ago smile lines
The one that made me sad and want to bring her some comfort
The one that made me want to shake her and shout 'wake up! you're still alive!'
But
It's as if I closed my eyes for a split second
and I was no longer sitting behind the wheel in the car
in shorts and heeled boots with thick curls falling over my shoulders
I am now the one crossing in front of my car
looking back at that shadow
of who I was
And I want to cry
What happened to me?
I open my closet and see all the career clothes of who I used to be
Such pretty blouses and colors, left dusty and unused
I look at the clothes I wear now
One pair of khakis and one pair of jeans
Washed so often during the week that holes are forming
Four tshirts I alternate between wearing and washing
Two pairs of long shorts and tshirts with the collars torn off
act as pajamas
Besides underclothes, that has been my wardrobe for the past few years
I could toss all the clothes in the closet and make it a storage room
What I wear on a daily basis would fill one small drawer
And I want to cry
It's so sad
Not that I'm vain
But when did I give up?
Typing this I look down
Yep, torn t-shirt, shorts below the knee, tangled ponytail on head
Makeup? Forget it
I can't blame the fact that I'm taking care of my Mama
because it's been like this since I left work several years ago
The truth is, I have no where to go
I suppose I could dress up and sit at home
like the women in spanish soap operas
But this never bothered me before as much as it does now
I suppose because I always thought...
tomorrow, next month, next year
I'll be thinner, healthier, I'll let myself dress up
And I realize I'm punishing myself for having gained weight
And I realize I'm punishing myself for having gained weight
It's why I won't buy new jeans and instead patch the holes
I don't feel worthy
And that makes me angry
knowing that I am focusing on the outside just like everyone else does
but it's something else beyond the clothes
I've seen people dressed like this look good because they look happy
And then there are those like me who look defeated, frumpy...sad
but it's something else beyond the clothes
I've seen people dressed like this look good because they look happy
And then there are those like me who look defeated, frumpy...sad
But what surprises me most of all
Is the funny little thought poking my brain
That says I should have a portrait photo taken that captures my gypsy spirit
I want to see if it's still there
because I look in the mirror and I think she moved out
I want to see if it's still there
because I look in the mirror and I think she moved out
And somehow I think if I could see it
then I would quit trying to bury it
Vain?
No....just sad
So how do I go about finding such a photographer?
Do they market themselves as such?
"Captures your spirit"
And then again, good luck Mr/Mrs Photographer
trying to get someone who is camera shy to sit still long enough
~~~~
Hmmm this post just left me feeling like
I peeled the scab off a wound
Ouch
~~~~
Hmmm this post just left me feeling like
I peeled the scab off a wound
Ouch
A few years back, I started to photograph myself from an arms length away. Many, many of the photos I took, I fell in love with. I could see the spirit behind the eyes, the mischievious smile, the beauty that I felt inside showing on the outside. I had been asking others to photograph me in that way for years but they never captured it the way I did for myself. Of course, 90% of the shots are from the shoulders up so I didn't have to deal with those dreaded "body issues".
ReplyDeleteI am telling you this because I think the trick is to show ourselves our beauty first, and fall back in "like" with what we see. For me, the self portraits helped as did the newly developed love for accessories in all the bright colors I can't find clothes in. And in great shoes that are always easy to find for me, unlike jeans. I am still far from what those voices inside would call "acceptable" in lots of ways, but I am realizing that this precious life is too short to wait to live until I fit into a bathing suit I wore 10 years ago. Guess what? That probably ain't gonna happen !!!
Having some sad days, mourning the past days is okay too I think. But giving up completely ? No, Baby ! Go and buy yourself a treat - a scarf, a necklace, a pair of boots or shoes that make you smile big when you see them. Start there, and shine a light on that beautiful self !!
(Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable with us. So many of us know these feelings exactly ! You came to the right place ! ;))
Well Elena, I think we have all caught that person in the mirror and wondered who it was. I know I did many times and many times I wondered where is that girl gone to? I don't dress up either, never have and probably never will. I only put on decent clothes once in a blue moon. To a very nice restuarant and then it's nice jeans and blouse. I'm not a girly girl as Arnold once said. I'm a tomboy at heart, always will be and my husband loves me as I am. He once took a picture of me just before her was leaving for work, and this was years back. When I seen the photo, I was so darn shocked at what I saw, I cried. I was angry with him and told him, why hadn't he told me I looked this way. He couldn't understand why I was mad at him. I blamed him for the way I looked. You know Elena, I just started exercising and paying just a tad bit more attention to myself. I don't look much better now, am still 20 to probably 30 pounds overweight but hey, I have accepted myself as I am. Sometimes I put flowers in my hair, lipstick, and one of those mexican blouse that shows the shoulders with jeans. That's it, no more than that. I think the KEY is to be happy inside and never want for more. If we're happy inside then outwardly we'll glow. I think I've talked to much but try this...When you wake up in the morn, go outside and say your prayers, then go in the bathroom, look in the mirror, smile and say out loud with a wide grin, GOOD MORNING BEAUTIFUL!! You'll feel better, I promise. Take care and always smile.
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely not alone on this one. For the last few years I have been focusing on everything and everyone else. I've put on weight, I don't get my hair done, I rarely wear makeup anymore and I live in skirts and oversized shirts to hide my gut. Just like you, I kept thinking, "I'll take care of myself after this or after that. After I get this trailer looking better, after I get my garden in, after I get this certain bill caught up." Yep, if I keep doing that it's NEVER going to happen. So, I've put some money aside from not this paycheck but the next...I'm going to get my hair done, buy an indoor exercise bike and get some new makeup. I'm going to do some things for myself to make me feel better about me. Often the outside is an indicator of what going on inside. I know that's true of me, so I'm going to work on the outside and see if it affects the inside. Let's try it together!
ReplyDeleteHi Elena
ReplyDeleteThere is a Brittish actor called Peter Bowles, he was the epitomy of the well bred Englishman. He used to be in comedies. I seem to remember hearing him or reading of him saying that he was one of these lucky people that could put on an old crappy suit and still look good and polished. He just had it in him. I think my wardrobe (except its a gents) is quite like yours. I used to have good suits and shirts for work, tell you what though, I prefer to be in the old shorts and polo shirts (Helen gives me a ticking of with a smile "These shorts have got a hole in them!"). You have made some major changes in your life and your energies are still "settling" like having a foot in each camp. Of course it is good to dress up and of course it is really nice to have a wardrobe of beautiful clothes. So you have the old life style and the new life style, which is the real Elena? Who do you choose to be? :)
Hello. I feel that my body, this outer shell or self that I wear, needs to be healthy and reflect my inner self. I do want it to look interesting, creative and beautiful in a way that attracts me (the looker). I have changed my image several times over the years and have played with what I want that image to say about myself. Maybe you are ready for a change. Think of your body as a canvas that you want to paint on and find a look that reflects the person that you are now. I love have fun with my clothes and style. Style Statement. Live By Your Own Design by Carrie McCarthy is a great book for artistically playing with personal style. Hugs Karen
ReplyDeleteIsn't that how all artists dress, LOL? No, seriously, this is well within your own control. Figure out how you want to look and then look like that.
ReplyDeleteMy dear sis/cuz, most of us go through this, as is evident in the postings above. I know exactly how you feel, I stopped looking in the mirror when I saw what I didn't like, but I was fooling myself. Sometimes, we get so busy taking care of everyone else, we forget to take care of ourselves. Because we had careers and were "important" now that we aren't working for a paycheck we don't think we should spend money on ourselves to "feel good" about ourselves. We have to acknowledge our worth to others and to ourselves with associating our worth to a paycheck. I would like you to look at the pictures you have taken of your mother through her ordeal--especially the one of her looking up watching the hawk. Look at her strength, her resilience, her beauty. It is all that she is and all she has endured that makes her beautiful. Last year when I nursed my mother for half the year I was stressed, tired, haggard, etc. This is what you are seeing right now. One day as I went to take care of my mom and she was coming through her issues, I walked in and she was sitting in her living room. She was wearing a pretty dress, a necklace and some earrings. She wore a sweater over her dress that most people would put together, but it looked amazing. I realized then she had the sparkle back in her eyes, it matched her earrings and necklace. She was radiant, she was serene and beautiful. She had nowhere to go, but she felt good, so she felt like putting on her jewelry. I thought, after all she's been through--my God--what a wonderful woman, my mother, my role model. After that I swore that no matter how crappy I felt I would wear at least earrings and lipstick each day and I started attending Qigong regularly. During meditation on day, we were quiet and still and the instructor asked us to look inward, find our inner eye, listen to our inner voice. Then she asked us to find our inner joy, find our inner smile, look for our inner self. After each one she would give us a few minutes before going to the next. I looked and searched. After that I went to the pool. When I got there and was getting into the pool all my pool lady friends told me I looked so beautiful and radiant--I was smiling like never before, they said. Hmm, I think I found something during meditation! So, this morning (before I read your post or e-mail) I was meditating and going through that mantra in my mind. As I sat there quietly, taking in the quiet, I thought I should tell you about the meditation. I thought I should tell you to take 10 minutes a few times a week and listen to your inner voice for acceptance, for your joy, for your creative self, for what you needed. So, do it. Find your inner beauty, your inner smile, your inner joy. You are a beautiful, wonderful woman--for all you do, for all that you are, for all that you share, for making us feel less alone, less vulnerable, for sharing your fears and having us face ours as well. You are worthy, you are amazing--no matter what "costume" you choose to wear--it is about acknowledging all that you are. I love you and hold you dearly in my heart.
ReplyDeleteVain Elena? Hahaha God No, Silly, hell yes!! :D...You are a darling. Before i give u a tight hug and some (maybe lot) of useless philosophy....A tight rap on your knuckles woman for neglecting yourself, not just physically but mentally, this post is the result of the darned neglect.
ReplyDeleteI want you take at least half an hour out of your daily schedule either in morning or evening and go for a walk, try going it to a garden or a park somewhere close to Nature and forget about everything except the walk, let your mind wander, follow the wanderings, If u come across questions, try answering 'em, If you come across answers, try applying 'em. Also If u can, try and find time to walk in the world that surrounds you for example, walk out to get your grocery and while you are doing that open yourself, observe, feel, let that world penetrate you and let yourself enter that world and your understanding will stem out of there, when u will find your place in that world a..you will find your balance.
And stop struggling with your urge to work, if u feel like go ahead work, do not resist (Your mistake lies in this resistance) What bothers you? that you will loose yourself again in the mayhem?....No you won't, .cuz u have found your way out of that mayhem, you know the path. You also understand the importance of balance now, so u won't get lost, rather you will be doing wonders...I am saying this 'cuz I think u tend to tip off the balance everytime you struggle b/w going back to work or not...you will find the answer to this question on those walks....And always remember that working does not takes the peace and time away from us, it's when we begin chasing money, power, position through work, that peace is left far down the line.
And as for your weight, just start eating healthy and those walks, you will get ur lovely curves back :)
Find your balance and peace. Take care (hugs)
P.S. I believe that Ideas have legs and examples have wings, so just that u won't think that I am simple talking shit, I'll tell u my example, I have learnt some of the most important lessons of my life while "working" madly as a doctor, from the people, from the incidents that I saw. So work is not a hindrance in your quest it's actually a a step to find the door.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't kill me for the length of the comments & ignore 'em if they'r irrelevant :)
oh boy...on this I have too much to say
ReplyDeleteso I won't