Quest within my quest

First I must apologize if it seems I'm not leaving comments on your blogs

I seem to be having trouble doing so; some go through some don't

Maybe that's why I've seen a dip in comments here

Or I'm just being too morbid lately (hee hee!)

~ ~ ~ ~

So I've been thinking of launching a quest (within my usual Quest)

I'm determined to find happiness

Not for myself

I've been surrounded by so much doom and gloom that I can't seem to remember

if happiness really does exist in the world

I'm having trouble describing this so please bear with me

I seem to be caught in the whirlpool thinking of "what's it all for"

I've watched and listened as calls or visits come in for my Mama

where it becomes a comparison of illnesses

an update of who is dying or hit bad times or whatever

From my vantage point it all seems like a death march

Does aging really just lead to this?

Sitting in a wheelchair in a nursing home staring at a wall?

Or having breakfast with your friends comparing symptoms?

My family teases me about my 'no news in the house' rule

I tell them all it does is poison the air

But they all live for the news and it has infiltrated my once peaceful home

I feel like the air is thick and I can't breathe

I ask my Mama if this is all there is

She says they're opportunities for growth

I see them more as suffocating

Like sand on a fire

Thus I feel a need to search out happiness

Not just the small windows of sunshine that fall upon a person

But somewhere out there must be someone who is truly happy

Who is aging and happy

Who doesn't count the days by what's on the news or by medications

As for the kid?

I'm tempted to let him go and be part of a more sensible family unit

Or atleast a family with both feet on the ground

For now I'm sending him with his dad for a month

My Mama may be back home by then

And I can hit the road in search of happiness

or at the least find myself again

~ ~

I received this message today from Tut.com

How adventurous would life be, Elena, if you were "challenge free"?

If you had the perfect body, perfect self-esteem, everyone adored you,

 and you won the lottery every Sunday?

Not.

Now what if, painful as they may temporarily be,

you could choose a life during which challenges might arise

whenever your thinking needed expansion,

on the sole condition that every one of them

 could be overcome no matter how daunting they may at first seem?

Everything makes you more,

The Universe

~~

So perhaps I don't have to travel far

Perhaps I just can't see through the murkiness right now