Finding ugliness....

For the last six days our home felt like it had a revolving door as family and friends visited and stayed overnight. As much as I loved having them around, I selfishly desire the solitude I will have tomorrow as everyone is gone and my son returns to school. Selfish, yes. But I need time to sort through everything I've absorbed.

My mom and sister brought the aunt & uncle who were visiting from Mexico. I completely enjoyed spending time with this farmer uncle who I hardly knew and we stood side by side watching the farmer prepare his field and smelling the new earth. As you know, I latched on to the comment my mama made and almost missed a more important comment made by my uncle to my mama after they left. He told her that my happiness & love for life brought him happiness even if it were just for a day. That was really sweet. Because I would like to think I brought somebody happiness. But I think it was my constant chatter just didn't give him time to think.

And my old boss and his family stopped by and I actually didn't feel that dull ache in the belly of missing the job. I admitted to them all that leaving was the best thing I could have done for myself. And when the wife said she didn't know I was an artist, I ignored that little voice that wanted to say "I'm not" and instead went to show her what I was working on. I was surprised. And perhaps a bit embarrassed and humbled.

My hubby's family spent Easter with us and there was so much to do and so much going on that there was no time to think of the bad phone call I'd received Friday morning. The one that I've avoided thinking about because of what it presents to me. My favorite uncle is 90 years old and lives part time in my mama's birthplace in the little Mexican village where they still farm, have dirt roads, and little stone houses. Thursday night someone broke through the front door and in the process broke my uncle's ribs. As he struggled against the two assailants, one tried hitting him in the head with a rock while the other punched him. He had his gun and managed to shoot one who quickly ran off. The other kept trying to hit him with the rock and when my uncle managed another shot, the assailant dropped the rock and ran. He lay there until someone came to help and drove him to the nearest town.

The assailants are his nephew and great-nephew. Sons of my now deceased uncle; his brother. One is 13. The other in his 20s. The families are rallying around these despicable things and refuse to press charges. What type of cowardly piece of crap attacks an old man; attacks family? And when I think of it; it's as if time stands still. I can hear the blood in my ears and feel that desire for justice. The one that I cannot explain to anyone. The one that I know can get me in trouble. The one my family teases me about because they say I have 'the old ways' in my blood. My grandfather, dad & his brothers were vigilantes in this little Mexican village where things were handled by 'frontier justice' ala John Wayne & the western movies. There were no cops. You took care of your own; in your own way.

And I know that for all my sweetness and calmness, that I possess a fierce protective streak. One that pops up when I feel threatened. The one that I've mentioned here before that caused me to punch the guy who mugged me and to lunge at the gangbanger who threatened to shoot me. The one that makes me get off my bike to shout at car drivers who ride too close to me. Hell I know it's stupid. I possess common sense. But when I feel it rising I can't help it. And it bothers me to know that if I were in Mexico right now, I would gladly pick up the old ways and take care of my own.

So I welcome the selfish time I have planned for myself in the studio tomorrow. I need to reconnect with some peacefulness inside and, again, find my balance. I know I'll hear that they'll get what they deserve. But there are so many that seem to get away with everything. And it's hard to believe in justice.

But not to worry, I'm not nuts. 

I just cannot justify any violence against my family, the elderly, children or animals. 

I won't.