Jumbled Mess

It was a beautiful day today. Sunny, windy, warm. And I wasted this day doing....nothing. Not in a good way either. Have you ever watched ants as they rush back and forth in straight lines forming little ant highways? And there's always a wayward one running in circles; not quite connecting to the flow? I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I'm the wayward ant. 

I literally drove around aimlessly today. Driving for several miles just to make u-turns and end up where I started and turning in a different direction for more miles to repeat my actions. And I'm sure these shenanigans looked amusing from up above-with the heavens wondering what I was doing. Hell, I was wondering what I was doing. And the thoughts in my head resembled the lottery machines on the evening news; balls bouncing all over the place. And sometimes I stopped to walk amongst the plants at the nursery or through garage sales without truly being present. Getting angry with myself as I mentally checked off the things I should be doing instead of wandering aimlessly.

But I couldn't focus. My thoughts kept pulling back to awakenings, doors and puzzles. As in:

As I wander amongst strangers and overhear their conversations I'm starting to pick up a recurring theme. It seems that people who are losing their jobs are taking this "opportunity" to recreate their lives and do what they've always wanted to do. And much of these have to do with the arts or with something that serves humanity. Awakenings? Hmmm.....

Why are creatives drawn to doors? Most of my "non-creative" friends look at me oddly and ask what my obsession is with doors. Or I'll gush about an awesome weathered door and they look at me like I'm nuts. But if I share a door with a "creative" friend, they understand without my saying anything. Doors=possibilities? Hmmm....

And the one that occupied my mind the most are the puzzles. I feel like a combination word lock. Where the letters are just spinning and I haven't found the right combination. And how sometimes I'll pursue something because I think it's right even though it doesn't quite "feel" right. Like shoving a puzzle piece in the wrong location because you're near the end. And ignoring the little gaps around the edges because you just want to be done. But there are things that don't allow for these mismatches. Like locker combinations and the tumblers in a door lock that need to be perfectly aligned. And it seems that my life has reached a point where my inner guidance is not settling for mismatches. Things don't "feel" right and I just want to shove the piece in place so it's done...but I can't.

 

And, at the risk of sounding like a stalker, I carefully studied Beth this weekend. Although a talented artist, she seemed to be searching for the right combination in her "word lock". Frowning she created one beautiful piece after another. And she still looked like a freshman desperately trying to find the right combination that releases the tumbler in the locker padlock. And on the second day she picked up her camera. And as she fluttered about the room I became aware of a different glow about her. The frown was gone and it was as if the world had disappeared as she was now focused on this apparent love in her life. And I realized she had found the combination that opened the door of awareness for her. Things clicked into place.

I suppose that's what it is for each of us. Like the game shows on tv where contestants need to find the right combination through obstacle courses in order to open the door to the next level. And perhaps that's why I'm drawn to doors. Because finding the right combination is not a means to an end but a means to a new level of awareness. And perhaps that's what others out there are discovering as well. And perhaps my wayward wanderings weren't so wayward afterall. All these disconnected thoughts seem to be intermingling somehow.

But for now, I will continue banging my head on my locker door as I search for the right combination....

.....I feel that I'm close