I felt 'derailed' today
Feeling out of sorts
On such a beautifully warm day
Feeling like something wasn't quite right
Feeling very cranky and struggling to regain a good mood
Feeling like I wasn't breathing deeply enough
Feeling like I was too fat
Wanting to hide under layers of clothes
But too hot to do so
And finding fault with everything
And grumbling about my hair, my weight, my breathing, my wooziness
Grumble, grumble, grumble
Until I reprimanded myself & said stop this nonsense
What's with all this superficial surface crap
And it occurred to me that it went back to one little comment
That I happened to overhear yesterday
My mom told my cousin I look older than my sister
Who is 12 years older than me
And I felt so bad
And pretended not to hear...and pretended it didn't faze me
But it did and I couldn't ignore it
And later I asked my mom why she thought that
And she said it's because she wears alot of makeup
So it makes her look younger
And that harmless statement started a barrage of self-degradation
That almost ruined a beautiful day
And I took a deep breath
And reminded myself that although I'm still not at my ideal weight or health
I do have the doctor appointments coming up
I still won't wear all that makeup
But I did learn some valuable lessons
That apparently I'm self conscious about my looks
Even small comments can hurt - if you're ego twists it against you
That lately I haven't been reading the blogs that keep me balanced
And haven't done my Artist Way morning pages that connected me to self
And that sometimes you have to scratch at the surface to find out just what's bothering you
Whew, this keeping the balance is hard work!
Plus, I know my Mama loves me & I love her
Makeup or not
Plus, I know my Mama loves me & I love her
Makeup or not
Ooooh Elena!! I'm sorry you overheard that hurtful comment!! Personally, I think wearing more makeup tends to make you look older!! And, even though I don't know what your sister looks like, I am SURE that you do not look older than her if she is 12 yrs. older. It's just not possible!! I know I can't take away the sting of that comment because it's done---but try not to dwell on it. Maybe your mom just a has different (more old fashioned??)idea of how women should look. I wish I had better words of wisdom for you. You just be YOU!! Everyone is different and that's how it's supposed to be!!
ReplyDeleteI wish I was there to give you a big hug, Elena. I do understand how you feel as, in the past, my Mum has made hurtful comments relating to certain things about me that have cut deep.....as if I didn't already have a low enough self-esteem. I have come to learn that my Mother often says things without thinking first AND that doesn't mean that what she says is the truth anyways. We all see things differently and have different tastes. Your Mum's idea of a youthful appearance may well be to wear make-up but I know some people who think wearing make-up is fake and spoils natural beauty.
ReplyDeleteKnow that you ARE a beautiful Goddess who deserves to feel beautiful in her skin! While comments like that can indeed hurt...try to treat them like water off a duck's back. Love yourself and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. (((Hugs)))
Such is live... we/you will encounter many more along the way, but they all mean well. It's us that gets our thinking in a wad and need to stop that nasty little sucker from setting in and becoming a fester... sorry for being so blunt... I wrote a post and lost it so I'm cuttin this shorter... Your on a great path of self knowledge Elena.. My dear friend shared with me.."If you can get moments like this down to 20 minutes you are doing great" well so you took a day with it..it's a nature thing us human do.. A life of happiness takes work and that comes from staying alert and seeking a simple balanced life...Now I need to copy and paste this and hang in on my studio wall for a reminder when I need it..
ReplyDeleteLoving you with open arms
~v~Laura
I have always wondered, being an only child, why parents feel the need to compare siblings, because I have never seen good come out of it----only hurt.
ReplyDeleteElena, *beauty* is not in make-up, or clothing, or a certain weight. And yes, my doc asked me how I had gained so much weight (Easy---I eat anything that is not nailed down!)---weight should only be looked at for health.
Beauty is who we are in our souls, in our intentions, in our behaviour towards others.
We slip; we lose site of our path, and we get up and gently get back on it.
You took a hard knock, and now your blogfriends are here to tell you it was undeserved. We're coaxing you back to your path.
You'll be fine.
And beautiful in the most important ways! ♥♥♥
XXOO!!
Anne
Oh, why don't we speak up earlier? Maybe your sis needed an ego boost your Mom was giving her? I don't care for makeup, but I found after not wearing any a few years as warden... when I put some on my boss talked different to me. Even more respectful. Maybe a lot of people do. I still don't wear much, but my redbrown lashes bleach quickly in the sun and my nose gets redder than my cheeks, so a little mascara and blush make a lot of difference.
ReplyDeletemy mom recently did the same to thing to me....I told her I was trying to grow my hair out and she asked why I would do such a thing since I only look good in short hair....yep, thanks mom.
ReplyDeleteand if make-up is of any interest to you at all.....I love to use make up as a form of art and when we meet, if you want me to "make you look younger" {words from your mom} i'd love to play on your face :)
and in all honestly...the older we get, ess make up is what really makes us look younger, since any make up tends to settle in our little crows feet and laugh lines.....
maybe you could tell your mom that as an fyi....
but please know that we love you just as you are !
mom.
ReplyDeletePeople can be so thoughtless sometimes, can't they? Saying hurtful things, usually without meaning to. And why do we always take these comments to heart, and dismiss the positive ones?
ReplyDeleteHonestly, if I don't wear makeup these days, I look like my 83-year old father. That's no joke.
If it matters, I think you are gorgeous!
xo
You know what the most wonderful thing is, Elena, you can start anew with everything that's important. I am so much like you. And my gauge is when other people's comments start to bother me, I need to find my center again. When I am right with myself, nothing anyone says can change that.
ReplyDeleteBut then I go for a time just sort coasting along and before I know it, I've gone off kilter just a little. And then a little more. And then some more. Until I feel everything's been undone. And then I start over - and quickly find my center again.
You will, too. And then you'll know you are beautiful, inside and out!!
Much love, Silke
how true......sometimes we gotta scratch at the surface!! and it sounds like you've figured out what you need to do to even out the dirt again.....here's to learning lessons......here's to YOU, pretty lady!!! :)))
ReplyDelete