Compartments

I'm feeling oddly disconnected - as if I've suddenly washed upon shallow ground in the swirling waters of my life. Sure, you may think it's due to the passing of my father-in-law but not really. You'll think of me as a cold-hearted wench but I'm actually happy he has passed on. It was inhuman to have experienced life as he did in the last few years. I'm sad for his wife of 50+ years and his two sons. They had a happy childhood with this man. They'll miss him in a way I'll only understand when I lose my mom. But my disconnection has to do with feelings that are coming up that I've been trying to keep squished way deep down. I'm trying not to acknowledge them which is only working if I stay numbed. Cool until I try working on a collage. I ended up with a bunch of torn papers and something that closely resembles my state of mind. A jumble of nothing. So I've learned that you can't squash your feelings and still expect feelings to produce artwork. Damn. Why doesn't the mind come with little compartments where I can lock things up I don't want to think about but yet allow all creativity to flow unencumbered.

Speaking of compartments, I've been wanting a wooden library cabinet; the kind that used to hold library index cards. I was discouraged by the prices and finally decided to ask the "cosmos". I said it would be nice if I could find an inexpensive cabinet for my studio to hold all my little things. A few days later I ran into an old post on Craigslist. The guy said he had one left at Lewis Univ.. It's not exactly what I wanted but it was cheap and it's wood. It will do fine and I can always work on it if I insist.

Wonder if the "cosmos" will send me peace of mind if I ask.