I realize how touchy this post is. And the risk of putting it out in such a public manner but I'm doing so for two really important reasons.
1) I have always HATED the secrecy in my family so this is my retaliation
2) If I don't, it'll roll around in my head until it ferments & spreads its poisons through my spirit
I spent some time talking w/ mom over breakfast. Caught off guard she mentioned something about my dad's girlfriends. I caught the look on her face when she realized it slipped so I acted like it was no big deal even though my head and heart screamed that yes, yes it was a big deal! I knew, of course, even when he was alive. But each time I want to scream why? why? did she put up with it and all the other unbelievable crap. But I can't. I can't because I feel that by doing so I am somehow judging her. She went through too much to now have her snotty-nosed kid questioning her judgement. But I sometimes wish I could unbury my dad and throttle him. This unbelievably strong, sweet, creative, beautiful woman deserved nothing but the best in life. At a minimum she deserved love. And all she got was him. I used to kid that if I had ever seen them hold hands or kiss I would drop dead. So if he hated her so much, why not leave her? Uggghhhh......no wonder I have trouble figuring out how to love somebody. I'm not sure what it really is. So I'll break the damned family secret; my dad was a womanizing, wife-beating, alcoholic. If my family wants to kill me for this, fine, I don't care anymore. My mom deserved protection, not him. And thanks for nothing to the doc & cop who I begged for help when I was a kid...they just patted me on the head and walked away.
Why so public? Because I finally have a voice.
I learned a lesson today: I am passionate. I just keep it squashed.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
4 comments:
Thank you for taking the time to comment. You are my fellow travelers in life's journey and I respect your words of wisdom.
Or click here to send me an email
Email me!
Peace!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Elena, I think you are very brave to address this. I think maybe you have to respect the fact that your mom dealt with it in her own way, for her own reasons. But that doesn't mean that you have to just accept it and act like it was nothing. However, I am no expert and I don't know what else to say about it. I just think you are very courageous!
ReplyDeleteGood on you Elena. Like Robin said your mum dealt with it in her own way. She has that right just as you have the right to deal with it in your own way. You are a very brave and courageous woman!
ReplyDeleteLena, you know our lives are exceptionally similar. You know how much I love your mom and what she means to me. I always wondered the same about her and my mom. They knew nothing better or different. They tried to protect each other, but stayed in the same situations. You and I have been brave because we wanted something different. We love our mothers because they have stood the tests of their time and are still loving and creative. They loved us despite how hurt they were. The cowards are the men who think nothing of their wives and children. We need to voice our pain and teach our children not to hurt and violate, but to love, be kind and gentle. That will be our success, that will be our triumph!!
ReplyDeleteHow strong and brave your growth is exceptional! We are the change. We are raising more compassionate children. Teaching them to see. Teaching them to love. You have love, leave it open to the sun and rain.
ReplyDelete