Life flashes before my eyes?

I dreamt.

I dreamt that I sat in a large dark void and angrily asked why everything happened the way it had. Why couldn’t I have pursued art early in life. Why this? Why that?

In a slow silent slide reel I saw moments of my past flicker by and heard these words...

• Career was necessary to teach you about the various personalities and to learn to identify those who are deceiving. You learned to trust in your strength and gut instinct.
• Career taught you about money, about persistence, marketing, and that there is always a solution to a problem-always.
• You learned that many of the people walking around with smiling masks are actually miserable inside. Remember how many strangers told you their life stories on the street?
• Home taught you the importance of communication and growth
• Home taught you that your inner self has a direct effect on your environment
• Family taught you that love is a hell of a lot stronger than grief, anger, poverty

I heard that the desire to create is strong and I’m meant to follow it. I’m not supposed to question or doubt. I’m supposed to trust that the stepping stones will appear in my path.

And it occurred to me that if I had pursued art as a profession out of high school, I would not have learned the valuable lessons that something says is the foundation I’ll need for the future. I had to learn to rise above the anger, hurt, envy before I could safely open myself to...myself.

I honestly don’t know what’s next. Perhaps that’s why I don’t know what my dream is. I’ve done a great job hiding it way deep inside. But I have to trust that I’ll be shown the way….

So for now I dabble. And as soon as my head gets involved I stop. For now I have to act as mediator between my head and my heart. Someday they'll learn to play nice together.

And yet, I can't help but feel I'm too old to be trying to figure out what I want to be 'when I grow up'...