Today is my birthday. I have been chastised by many people who insist something is wrong with me for tending towards the gloomy side on my birthday. I can’t help it. I treat my birthday like others treat New Years Day. It’s a time to take stock.
I look back at my year and measure my accomplishments, or lack of. Of course being me, I gloss over the good and focus on my weaknesses; nitpicking and peeling back the scab. Hmmm perhaps those people were right…what the heck is wrong with me.
I couldn’t sleep last night. I was wrestling demons. It occurred to me that so many many people are content just existing in the daily drone of wake up, work, sleep, wake up, work, sleep. Like a train in a subway tunnel, life whizzes by. You can’t make out the details of what you’re passing but you don’t care. You need to move front point A to B – and you have to do it fast. But why? At what point did I start to question, ‘what is it all for’? And that’s when it happened. I stepped off that whizzing train into another realm.
It’s like standing in the middle of the tracks with the train whizzing by in a dizzying array of colors. You can’t stop it, it can’t hurt you, and you can’t get back on. You’re invisible. Boy that sucks. You were invisible on it and now off it.
And so as I lay there scribbling the picture in my head, I took stock. I learned that I don’t have real friends – I have virtual friends in the form of bloggers. If I ever needed a helping hand and my family were gone; I couldn’t go to anybody. So I need to change that and toughen up so that I never need to count on someone.
I need to get back onto the train and get a real job and quit this nonsense of questioning life. What I see is all there really is. Period.
I did learn to draw what I see in nature. I learned to draw with pens. I can’t do other mediums yet but I am slowly learning. I’m not berating myself on this one and that is a HUGE accomplishment. Yay!
But I would gladly give it all back to become a mindless drone again. Life is much simpler when you don’t question.
I look back at my year and measure my accomplishments, or lack of. Of course being me, I gloss over the good and focus on my weaknesses; nitpicking and peeling back the scab. Hmmm perhaps those people were right…what the heck is wrong with me.
I couldn’t sleep last night. I was wrestling demons. It occurred to me that so many many people are content just existing in the daily drone of wake up, work, sleep, wake up, work, sleep. Like a train in a subway tunnel, life whizzes by. You can’t make out the details of what you’re passing but you don’t care. You need to move front point A to B – and you have to do it fast. But why? At what point did I start to question, ‘what is it all for’? And that’s when it happened. I stepped off that whizzing train into another realm.
It’s like standing in the middle of the tracks with the train whizzing by in a dizzying array of colors. You can’t stop it, it can’t hurt you, and you can’t get back on. You’re invisible. Boy that sucks. You were invisible on it and now off it.
And so as I lay there scribbling the picture in my head, I took stock. I learned that I don’t have real friends – I have virtual friends in the form of bloggers. If I ever needed a helping hand and my family were gone; I couldn’t go to anybody. So I need to change that and toughen up so that I never need to count on someone.
I need to get back onto the train and get a real job and quit this nonsense of questioning life. What I see is all there really is. Period.
I did learn to draw what I see in nature. I learned to draw with pens. I can’t do other mediums yet but I am slowly learning. I’m not berating myself on this one and that is a HUGE accomplishment. Yay!
But I would gladly give it all back to become a mindless drone again. Life is much simpler when you don’t question.
Call Lois and get my phone number.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday. This should be a day of celebrating.You can call me too, I'll email you my phone number.
ReplyDeleteLook for bumble bees.
ReplyDeletescience says that, their weight proportional to their wings, they can not fly.
Yet there they are in their puffy yellow legwarmers of pollen.
and I agree with your mom from the last post. Do allow yourself to learn patience.
it is okay to have no where to be going. it is okay to enjoy the ride somewhere.
breathe.
I forget to some times. Breathe in deep. Breathe out and let go a little.
Happy Birthday! Congrats on making changes. And yes, do breath. It would be nice if we were all closer to commute, but we are here in spirit and support. Now breath some more. Sometimes the physical friends aren't even listening, although their intent is good. I always forget to breathe as I head into anxiety and the enveloping darkness warns me again to breathe even deeper.
ReplyDeleteNow go to sleep...another year under your belt
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday toots
Happy birthday. I love my birthday. Its all about me and I'm the princess who gets to eat cake. It sounds to me you need a little fun in your life. Come and play with me :)
ReplyDelete