Where are you?

Most of my life has been steered by someone telling me I can't. Something about that little word seems to reach deep inside and flip a hidden switch that starts the motivational gears spinning. Next thing I know I'm full steam ahead in a direction I'd never planned. This seems to happen just as I'm feeling restless so perhaps it's not a coincidence I find these people.

I was a facility manager and started to develop an interest in construction and project management. I decided to ask one of the contractors working in one of our buildings to tell me more about project management. He did and when I told him I was interested in becoming one he laughed and said you can't - you're a woman. CLICK - I heard the switch go off and next thing I know I'm changing jobs and became a project manager. I soon tracked him down and told him; after I told him he was actually working for me on his current job.

Soon I was restless again and had a desperate desire to hit the road, explore, get lost, just keep going but that's obviously not possible. Someone gave me a gift certificate to learn how to ride a motorcycle. I didn't want to; I was scared. My first hubby said you can't - I forbid you to ride. CLICK - Signed up, got a bike, and learned that I was stronger than I thought.

I loved my last job. Or I loved working for my customers. Most of the good ole' boys I worked for though were despicable. Crooks who love to rule by intimidation. I saw first hand how men can be more catty than women. I learned how to play the game fast but never backed down. I questioned everything and quickly became #1 on the hitlist. Eventually I was being transferred to another office that would have added an hour to my hour commute. I wanted to see my son.

I said no-I'd rather quit. They said you can't. I said watch me and left. Funny thing is I wrestle with the idea that I lost all that salary for being hot-headed. But in my peanut brain, I couldn't let them win. I still get messages from coworkers who say I'm their hero and that my name can't be mentioned without the bosses turning colors. Ha, some hero. I'm not working. My son tells people "my mom used to be a project manager until she had a fit". Hmm, bad example to the kid....

So why does it seem there's a stronger person inside me? Where does she hide the rest of the time? I remember being 15 and my friend and I walking home when a guy approached us. He grabbed my purse and I held on. He pushed me and that clicked the switch inside. I punched him in the face and he landed backwards against a fence. It was then that I realized I was punching someone to hold onto a purse with a dollar and lip gloss. So I let it go.

So this note is to that strong person living inside me. I'm really restless right now, I need direction, and really need you to pop out. Perhaps I should walk up and down the street swinging my purse or start talking to a bunch of guys until one pisses me off....