Dancing with Peace

I've been laying low from posting here because I didn't want it to be all doom & gloom. Then I remembered my original intention of being honest so if someone ever feels they're the only ones thinking the way they do they can see they're not alone. I spent a long time thinking so and trying to hide so much so that I lost my sense of self. I'm now trying to find me again.

This restless period is a dangerous one. It reminds me of the wandering cowboy in movies who can't put down roots and is always riding off in search of goodness knows what. Thankfully I have my son in school and that has grounded me. Otherwise I'd be on the moto now halfway to Arizona chasing, or being chased, by self-made demons. I've been tempted to call the ex and ask him to watch my son long enough for me to run. But it's not fair to either of them. So thankfully my senses are still in control.

Before my bday I researched various art classes then decided not to pursue them. I've been searching unsuccessfully for an art league or meditation group near me. I can't define what I want so that I can attract it to me. So I suppose all these dead ends finally took their toll. I decided to quit dabbling in art and buckle down. I sent out the resume although everything inside warned not to. I don't want the position but I can't stand not knowing what I want. So this seemed easier.

Then I started getting all these little signs. Somehow I had to meet Bev at the art fair even thought I didn't know where it was. Somehow I found it and her. Her joy and love of art was contagious. Then I met the instructors for each of the three classes I was researching. Weird huh - that they were all there. Then I met a kid who thanked me for actually taking time to look at his photos and after I bought one excitedly told me I was his first sale in his first art fair. He's still in school, due to graduate soon.

I was still insisting on having nothing to do with art. And the more determined I became the worse I felt. I started noticing that my surroundings were looking like I felt inside. The house looks neglected, the flowers look sad, the dog is moping around, my son is watching me with side glances, I'm overdosing on sweets, trying to pick fights with hubby and I'm not sure why.

Then I opened "Walking in this World" by Julia Cameron and found the answer:

"The human being, by definition, is a creative being....When we lose interest in ourselves and our lives, when we tell ourselves our dreams don't matter or that they are impossible, we are denying our spiritual heritage. When we do this, we become depressed and drained, even physically ill. We become snappish, irritable, high-strung. We call ourselves neurotic-this is not the case. We are not neurotic, we are miserable-miserable because we have stifled our creative selves.

"Instead of making art, we make trouble-and we make it because we are bingeing emotionally on not making art."

"Keep the drama on the page, the stage, the canvas, the film"
~~~~~~
And it hit me...my family and environment isn't doing anything wrong. I can run across the world, change jobs, hubbies, houses and peace and happiness will still elude me because the discontent is inside me. And, simply, my mind is quiet and content when I'm creating. My family, house, garden, waist line, are all happy when my mind is quiet and content.

Thank goodness Laura's class is starting soon.